Sasquatch, Feathers, Fairies And Walls
- Sparkling Diamond
- Aug 17
- 19 min read
It's been a heavy week but not without some interesting things happening around here...
I've had nightmares since I was a child. As an adult I've struggled with going to bed on time and getting enough sleep because of the nightmares that I feared. Now that I'm feeling safe for the first time in my life in my current situation the nightmares have basically disappeared. I don't remember the last time I actually had one. While reading the Sasquatch books I came across some ways to basically take control of your dreams by setting conscious intentions or that's at least what it feels like to me. Everytime before I fall asleep I say out loud that I choose to heal any karma, I choose to heal any trauma or wounds that arise, that whatever lessons I am taught I will learn them well, and that any choices I make will be for the highest and best good for all. By setting these intentions, I realized the other evening that not only am I desiring to heal in my waking hours but now I'm taking the desire and actions to heal into my dreamscapes where my higher self is conscious and helps as well. It felt so empowering and powerful that it made me cry. It felt like I was taking back my life in a way I never dreamed possible. It seems to have brought on a positive shift. Some nights I think I dream a lot because I wake up often and even though I rarely remember anything I usually wake up feeling like whatever happened in my dreams was positive and my intentions were fulfilled even though I remember nothing. I think it's happening on a soul level. I also was awakened in the middle of one night by a brushing sensation as if someone had taken their hand and softly but intentionally brushed from my forehead to the tip of my nose. I felt no fear and almost instantly fell back asleep after thinking oh, that's interesting. A while later I was watching a video where a man was telling about his experience of facing his fear of Sasquatch by sleeping alone in the forest and felt the sensation like someone touched the top of his head with his finger but it was energy and I remembered that sensation that had woken me up. What it was about I don't know but sometimes I get this feeling that I'm on an operating table of sorts subconsciously and all kinds of beings are working on me to prepare me for greater, deeper, higher spiritual and mental things that I'm not quite ready for yet.
I've decided to sell some of my things that I no longer need. The first thing to sell was my pretty bed frame and it made me feel sad. I struggled with the sadness trying to figure out why. I thought maybe it's my inner child being afraid that she won't have any pretty things left by the time I get done selling things I don't literally need. When I went to bed I cried about it but tried to reassure myself that at least I can be grateful that I don't have to sleep on the air mattress because the person only wanted the frame and not the mattresses.
It still didn't feel resolved the next day so I took some time to go inside and see what's going on but it went deeper than I was expecting. As soon as I lay down on the sofa I felt somewhat strong energy flowing around and through me almost as though they were waiting until I finally get tired of carrying the sadness around and am ready to deal with it and that they were happy that I was finally ready to deal with it.
I think that sometimes I carry the heaviness longer than necessary because I want to learn my lessons well and intentionally or I'm not brave enough to face what is going on. Usually it takes awhile to sort through things like this but I got out a tablet and pen so I can write down what I learn and it only took a few minutes to get to the root of the sadness which was totally unexpected as it went deep so fast.
First was what I was already aware of:
-I won't have anything nice left anymore. (My inner child)
Then deeper:
-I won't have any place to belong(if I lived in my van and kept only what I needed)
Deep down I have never felt like I belonged anywhere...
Then I realized that surrounding myself with pretty things(there's nothing wrong with that) was my way of trying to find a place to belong where I was perhaps never meant to belong.
We are souls on a short trip through this dimension to learn lessons and grow, not build mansions and stay.
Where does this desire to belong come from and what do I do with it?
It comes from the separation from Source from which flows all life. Who feels the desire/need to belong when they are already connected?
I realized that when I am out in nature and feel connected with all the beautiful beings around me then I no longer feel the need to surround myself with possessions because I am already connected with beautiful beings and life.
We surround ourselves with walls and a dead/synthetic floor and roof. We wear ourselves ragged just trying to make what society calls a living trying to find wealth, health and happiness. We fear dirt, bugs, weeds and wild animals, and so many other things...
We build walls to protect ourselves from so many things when in reality we are only separating ourselves from the life that flows from the earth to sustain us. No wonder we have such a "lack/survival" mentality and so many health problems and all the other "death" that comes from being separated from the Source of life.
This was so deep and came to the surface so fast like it had some help and it took some time to wrap my head around it. Separation causes so many problems and I am seeing it more and more in my life as I try to heal.
I've been so wrapped up lately in trying to figure out what to do for income so that I can pay my bills on time. I've been really struggling with it because I'm not willing to compromise my mental and emotional health to be a slave at a job. I've applied several places to no avail and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I found myself getting so caught up with worry and frustration trying to figure out how to find something I can align myself with and can align my energy with. I remembered about what was said in the Message of the Sasquatch to Humanity book 3 that made so much sense. (The topic was about dealing with pain.)Here's a screenshot:
I realized that I'm afraid of what will happen if I am not able to pay my bills at the end of the month, especially my rent. I'm afraid of what the landlord will do. I'm afraid of the credit card company. I'm afraid of incurring late fees and penalties and the load of even more debt. In short, I'm afraid of not pleasing these people and companies and of the way they may try to punish me.
There has to be a different way of dealing with this!
If fear is taken out of the equation it doesn't look so big and threatening. It puts a completely different spin on it. But I keep being drug back into the problem which makes me think of another part:
How do I find the cause, the root, the core of this problem of poverty?
I have yet to learn how to shift my focus instead of worrying about it. I've been trying by listing things to sell on several platforms. But then I hang in limbo, struggling to figure out what to do next because it feels like I'm wasting my time and doing nothing towards changing the situation despite almost daily looking at job listings again...
I decided I'd go explore a new wilderness area. I just needed to get out of the house and into the woods. I was hoping for trails to walk through the woods but since it was a wilderness area for hunting and fishing there were not really any trails. I took some pictures of the lake and found several feathers. Feathers are special to me. I'm not sure why but it seems like there's a reason I'm not aware of. As a child I was drawn to Native American stories and would dream of riding a beautiful painted horse across open plains with the wind blowing through my hair. I even made an outfit for my doll with moccasins and while I have never owned a pair I keep being drawn back to that desire to own a pair as well as other pieces of clothing that is Native American styled. I have always longed to explore the Pueblo Indian builds in SW United States but have not yet had the ability to do so.
I then decided to explore the trail I saw behind where I had parked my vehicle. There were so many spider webs as though the trail hadn't been used in some time. I felt bad for the spiders. What I thought was interesting was that I kept seeing feathers along the trail. I came to a fallen tree who's rotten bark had fallen to the ground. It was large enough to sit cross legged on the log quite comfortably so I sat for a bit tuning into the forest energies around me. It was calming and peaceful. After a while I continued on trying to not step in poison ivy as I was barefoot until I came to a fishing bobber. I didn't want to step in a hook so I put my flip-flops back on. I continued to explore but I kept feeling drawn to go back to the big log I had sat on. I kept seeing more feathers. Finally I found a spot where I could take a picture of the water through the bushes. It was so beautiful in the woods with the energies I felt that I was in tears. I continued a few more yards only to be frozen in fear for a few seconds when a large bird squawked loudly in alarm as apparently I scared it. I apologized to the bird for I had no desire to scare it and as I was feeling the pull back to the log I turned around noting more feathers and a little bit off the trail on a fallen log was one of the most beautiful feathers. It was a beautiful slate blue gray and tapered to a point a bit different than most feathers. I enjoyed it but left it there as it felt too sacred to take with me. So I made my way back to the log and sat there for a bit trying to calm myself as the scare had startled me quite a bit. After a while as I was sitting there I felt inspired to use the bark of the tree to write on the log:
Heal yourself, and don't forget to play.
I realized I couldn't properly fit it on the log so I took out my pen and beside "heal yourself" I carved in the whole phrase. I'm not one to leave traces if I can help it so it was new to me to do something like this. The tree was already dead so I didn't feel like I was hurting it. As I finished up with the last words a little frog hopped up on the log a few inches away from my hand. It felt so beautiful and sacred that I acknowledged it but didn't take a picture of it. My trips into the woods feel more and more sacred and holy and I find myself using my camera less and less. While I still take some photos to use with my daily quotes I find myself able to be much more present to experience the beauty and energies than if I am taking photos.
I am honored that a wild rabbit chose to make a nest for her babies near my front door. I saw her running back and forth one morning and couldn't figure out why because it didn't quite seem like she was just playing. I had gone out to my favorite spot to watch the sunrise. I was getting hungry and I realized that I'm the only one not eating. The rabbits were nibbling their breakfast around the yard. The birds were busy getting their breakfast also so I thought why not join them? I got a bowl of cereal and sat back out in my spot. It seemed like the mother rabbit knew and so she was comfortable enough to feed her little ones as well. I didn't catch on till the next day when I saw a patch of grass that had been chopped off at the base and then saw a patch of dead grass where it had been stuffed and didn't think quick enough that it might be a nest till I had disturbed the babies. My lawn hasn't been mown in at least a month, maybe 2, so I really hope that whenever they show up I can keep them from mowing that spot and protect the babies.
One day I was watching some videos where people were telling their stories about experiencing Sasquatch. The one video was a DV survivor who had been basically erased by family court and parts of her story resonated so deeply and stirred the longing up again of wishing I had loyal friends I could trust who would help me grow and not just jump ship whenever I say or do things they think are bad. I realize that my fear of humans is so deep that I tend to be ok with just nature for my friends to connect with and the more stories I hear about the Sasquatch and their love for humanity and spiritual intelligence the more I think that it would be easier to trust them and it would probably help heal my fear of humans abusing me because I would have support if I get into a bad situation.
I had been feeling the desire to get back into meditation which I had delved into with guided meditations last fall until it had seemed to fulfill the purpose it needed to at that point and I moved on to other things. I didn't want to do guided meditations and I was unsure how to meditate without any guidance so the first time I tried I just sat there just deeply relaxed but that was about it. A few days later I tried again and this time I decided to explore the connection with other parts of nature. After I was deeply relaxed and felt ready, in my consciousness and imagination I went outside to connect with the trees. Since it was just my consciousness I imagined myself going out to my motherly tulip tree. Unsure how to ask permission I tried to knock to ask for permission to merge with the consciousness of the tree. I didn't really get a response so I awkwardly wrapped myself around the tree trunk and imagined myself melting into the tree. It seemed like the tree being stepped back to give me room so I could explore and see what she sees. I had a sense of being able to look down on the rooftops of the buildings and I tried to imagine what it might feel like to have the wind rustle through the leaves in a storm as I sometimes worry when it's really windy before and during a storm. It was a lot for the first time so I didn't stay long but I asked the tree being if she had anything to tell me before I left but I got no response. It only felt like a mother observing a bumbling child exploring something new, just like a quiet presence. I thanked the tree for letting me have this exploring experience.
From there I went over to the sisterly maple tree in the other corner of my yard and tried to melt into the trunk. This was a bit harder to do because there are 3 trunks instead of one so it felt a bit fragmenting to me. I tried the best I could and once again I was able to look at the neighbors' rooftops from up in the tree. I didn't stay long because this was all new and it was kind of overwhelming so I asked the maple tree if she had anything to share with me before I go. I sensed her saying "I love you" and it brought tears to my eyes. It was the first time that this tree spoke to me but it touched me deeply. She is like a big sister. I thanked her before unwrapping my consciousness from her and coming back to my body. Often, nearly every day when I'm ready to come inside after sitting in the yard for a while I often stroke a branch on each tree and tell them I love them so it seemed like the maple tree was just saying I love you in response to all the times I've told her I love her.
After watching the video mentioned above about the lady telling her story, it deepened my own desire to have the Sasquatch as a friend and neighbor that I might be able to be a friend and neighbor to as well. The desire went so deep that I ended up crying awhile and finally I tried to meditate and in my mind I went out and sat in front of my motherly tulip tree with the heaviness of my desire for loyal friends who are going to have my back. I soon felt better under the comforting canopy of branches and leaves overhead that reach down close to the ground. I didn't know what else to do with it and I think there's also grief mixed with it. My local friend hasn't responded to my texts in several months so I'm not sure what will happen with our relationship. So there is a deep ache in my heart as well.
The next morning I was getting ready to post a daily quote on Facebook when the first post that showed up in my feed was about a workshop to connect with Sasquatch. It was exactly the very thing I've been wanting to learn about but didn't know where to look. There was a cost and I decided to go for it though I have doubted whether it was wise or not given my situation. But in the end I chose to buy the ticket because that is the direction I want my life to go. I will trust that somehow everything else will work out.
All day I just felt kind of numb and out of it, seemingly from yesterday's experience of being overwhelmed with experiencing such a deep desire and not knowing how to find answers and the help and guidance I so long for. In the evening I went outside to ground in nature as it was finally a bit cooler. I sat in my usual spot, being sad that I don't see any rabbits or groundhog, when I noticed some bugs. I don't know if they are sweat bugs or what but the last little bit they seem to want to sit on me and I laugh at their antics of trying to avoid my hand shooing them away for they do seem rather intelligent, like some kids in a teasing mood just trying to sit on me when I happen to be distracted. As I was shooing then away I noticed another bug or so I thought. It was maybe a quarter inch in length and it's wings were beating rapidly but what caught my interest was that it looked like only a head because insect bodies are usually horizontal when flying but this wasn't. It was also a very deep red with a purple tint, a color I don't see in insects. It didn't act like an insect either. I tried moving my fingers to shoo this unknown insect away but it didn't move like a normal insect would. When I moved my arm to look closer as it was level with my thigh and only a few inches above the grass it moved about a foot away and then vanished. I kept looking for whatever it was but I believe it was actually a really tiny fairy. I wish now I wouldn't have been afraid and would have held out my hand as I really wanted to get a closer look. Then as I was just sitting there trying to enjoy the evening and being a bit unnerved by a worker sitting across the street, a dead tree branch just randomly broke off in the neighbors yard. There was no wind or anything I could see to break the branch. It was really odd and scared me at first till I knew where the noise was coming from and then the only explanation I can think of was Sasquatch. I did actually feel a little safer with this conclusion and was able to release a bit of grief. When I got up to go inside as darkness settled over the land I reached up to stroke one of the tulip tree branches and tell her I love her. I usually look towards the trunk of the tree as the branches feel more like the fingers and arms of the tree and as I did so I found a cardinal sitting near the trunk on a large branch watching me. I was being observed so I sent my love to the bird too as he hopped along the branch and then flew away but not in fear. It was a beautiful moment.
The next day I was telling my counselor about it and she thought they were trying to show me that I wasn't alone in my grief. I hadn't thought of that but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it did seem that way. Now whether these beings are what I think they are or not it really does seem like they are being very gentle with me so as to not traumatize me and I really really appreciate it. Every experience is gentle even if it scares me a bit at first and almost every time I feel a bit safer as though I subconsciously know that there is someone watching over me and it makes me feel cared for.
When the day arrived for the Sasquatch workshop I kept worrying about missing it because of the time difference. I was trying to prepare by doing some of the exercises in the Sasquatch Message to Humanity Book 3. One was about letting love flow into every part of my life and I instantly felt love specifically flowing into my financial situation. It was a very interesting to feel love and compassion where before I had felt only worry, frustration and helplessness. It was almost like this visual of me tenderly caring for it like one does a newborn baby, very gently with delight and joy.
I got on zoom early and I was so scared. The hardest part was letting strangers see my face. I knew no one and with my distrust of humans it made even worse but I was grateful for the ability to turn off my screen so that I can have some privacy, especially for the most intimate part. Some of the information was stuff I already knew from the things I had seen and read. We did a shamanic journey to meet a Sasquatch that wants to work with us. It was very similar to a guided meditation. While I had trouble with imagining myself fully in the journey because of this being a workshop with strangers I did feel the energy swirling around myself. I think my walls were too high around my heart. I do believe whatever happened, happened at a higher level of consciousness that I was unaware of and when I am ready it will be revealed to me.
The rest of the day was so miserable. So many fears of so many things and people as well as doubts about myself and abilities due to the programming of my childhood were brought to the surface. I was beyond frustrated with myself with all my fears and doubts and my current financial situation. I was so frustrated that I was ready to take control and force myself to do whatever it takes even if it harms and drains me. I started looking at jobs again ready to just pick one and make myself go apply whether it aligns with me and my abilities or not.
But then I stopped.
This wasn't right. This wasn't walking in love or living from my heart like I had been learning about for the last several months. I would only harm myself and others if I try to force my way forward in this state of desperation and frustration. I don't want to have to ask for help to pay my bills yet again. I am so ashamed of myself. I felt so stuck. I've tried so many things and different avenues for income and nothing seems to work.
Why??? What am I doing wrong?
I feel the screams of frustration and desperation rising from within. I don't know what will happen. I know deep down that the right path is walking in love and respect for myself and that means accepting my limitations and gifts and finding something that I can do instead of forcing myself into an ill-suited job. It is so scary having to walk in faith and trust that I will be taken care of. So far my basic needs have been covered so why can't it happen again? My dollhouse could sell at the last minute and I'd be good for this month's bills.
So yes, it's been a really heavy week and I'm still not out of the woods in several ways but another desire that has surfaced again is to connect with my roots. I was reminded of this desire when the workshop director mentioned that another good thing to do is to go on a shamanic journey to meet ancestors who were connected with Sasquatch and nature spirits. While I admit I don't like where I come from because of the generations of heavy religiosity and abuse and trauma, as a teen I was able to trace my lineage back to the early 1500's and the time of the Reformation in Switzerland and France with old genealogy books from relatives. To me it feels like my ancestry is full of so much darkness and religion and to go beyond that to earlier times to connect with those who were connected with the land seems like nearly impossible from my perspective. It feels like there's so much to heal and I'm so tired of the darkness and heaviness that has been carried down the centuries to me. But perhaps it isn't as bad as I think it is. There's a reason this desire to connect with ancestors who were connected to the land is smoldering within me like coals that don't burn out. I'm being drawn in a direction I never expected to go in my life. Denying it will only harm me and the best thing to do is to love and accept even if I may not understand why. It really does reveal who are true friends because most Christians/people cannot handle it when "one of their own" gets lead down a path they deem as evil, wicked and of the devil because they don't understand or even try to understand because their beliefs hold the hostage and blinded.
Later before going to bed I did some of the exercises again trying to find answers and relief from the frustration and desperation. What hit me was this:
We understand that the shell of protection you all carry and are being made aware of, is not really needed and is causing you much pain and feeling stuck in life. (Sasquatch Message Book 3)
It is rather discouraging realizing this and seeing it in myself, as though all the effort I've already put into my healing has been in vain. Have I even made any progress?
Yes, I know I have. I think that this is just another deeper layer as the fortress walls of protection keep getting peeled away from around my heart. It would make sense that the closer one gets to the vulnerable hurting heart that the more the struggle intensifies. It's easier working on the outer layers but the deeper one goes the more the pain and fear intensifies. I was thinking the other day what it might be like to go to the next Sasquatch family reunion and I realized that it would probably not be an easy time for me. Since the focus is on love and living from the heart I assume that I would be overwhelmed and emotional most of the time because I'm not used to love and respect and acceptance from humans. But then a lot of healing will happen before then so it will be totally different to experience then than it would be right now. I welcome the healing work that will happen.
I had this art piece I made awhile back and didn't know what to do with it. Then I had an idea. With all the things I've been experiencing lately it only seemed fitting to add some additions and make some changes so that's what I did.
I hope that being transparent about my struggles and experiences will help someone somewhere some day. In the moment I wonder how it could help someone else to share my struggles but I believe it is possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this far. I hope you have a beautiful day full of healing and love and beautiful experiences.🤍
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