Insights & A Bit of Healing
- Sparkling Diamond
- Apr 18
- 12 min read
Updated: Apr 19
In the past week I've been specifically trying to target my painful memories with my former abusive employers with reiki as I practice on myself. The reason being that my tooth/ jaw/ mouth and neck keep flaring up with infection because of my root canal tooth and last week it really flared up again. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have thought about it...or even really considered trying it...
So a little backstory for those who don't know all the details...I started working for these employers, a couple of the Holiness Pentecostal belief, in early 2016. As an employee, I was able to get dental insurance and therefore the next year or so later when the dentist said I needed a root canal I went that route being too naive and gullible to know what my options were or how to decide for myself if that's what I really wanted to do. The procedure itself was a bit traumatizing and my tooth kept bothering me and I ended up having the procedure done about a year later.
When I started working for these employers they were very kind and soon won my trust. They became my spiritual parents, so to speak, and provided what my parents never did, as in, a listening ear and patience in answering my questions about spiritual and other things in life that I had no one to really ask. I just soaked up the love and affection with my starved heart who had never really experienced this before and I was unable to put into words the things that confused and bothered me about them. At first everything seemed good and I was seeing a counselor at the beginning until my driver told me that they couldn't take me anymore which broke my heart but she, my employer, took me under her wing offering a listening ear when needed.
About the second to third year I was working for them things started getting confusing for me. They began to seem to have double standards in some ways and the things they believed God told them to do would change, such as starting a church that eventually fizzled out leaving me heartbroken as at that time I was driving 3 hours one way for church on the weekend. Finally at the end of 2019 they said that they were selling the store and were moving out of of state. I was heartbroken. I had really no one except my church family 3 hours away and a few coworkers.
I stopped speaking to them as much as possible because I didn't want to make a scene. I would hide away on my lunch break and cry. It was the only way I could get through the day without causing a scene or crying in front of others or while I was working. At times I even had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't hold the tears back anymore as my grief was so deep and huge.
They were training the new employers for 6 weeks they said and then they would soon be moving but they would stop in every now and then. What I want to talk about next happened on that fateful day at the end of October 2019 in the last week of their training of the new employers. I was busy doing my work and trying to have a good day when she came around the corner with a look on her face that I can only describe as a spoiled child who isn't getting her way. She said that her husband wanted me in the office. I was surprised and started searching my memories for anything I could have done wrong that might cause me to be called to the office. I could only hope it was something good as I was technically no longer their employee and I had been doing my utmost best to let go of them and figure out how to move forward in my own life without them, knowing they were leaving soon, but I don't think anything in any way could have prepared me for what I was about to face.
I walked in there, having still not found any reason why I should be scared, hoping perhaps they wanted to say a special goodbye and perhaps a blessing of some sort.
He sat at his desk soberly, his wife sitting in the corner chair and a chair next to her empty for me. At first glance, I could tell it was not a good reason why I had been called to the office but to this point my conscience was clear and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong now. He told me to sit down and his first question to me was why I was no longer speaking to his wife. I tried to explain as best I could but for the next while he continued to scold me and tell me that they don't believe that I was a Christian because I don't act like one as in not smiling, that of course I won't have friends if I keep hiding myself away on my lunch break, that they don't believe I have the holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues and they even wonder if I am even a Christian and told me that I have to go home and pray till I know, absolutely know, that I am actually saved. After a long while he finally asked if I had any questions and I did. I don't remember the exact words but the topic was healthy relationships and I had been trying to learn from observing them because they had been some of the kindest people I had ever met when I first started working for them. I asked several questions but he just told me that he had no answers and then he wanted to pray for me before letting me go.
By this time all the scolding had taken it's toll and had basically obliterated everything I had believed up to this point. All my spiritual experiences had been destroyed as insignificant. All my zeal in doing the right things, pleasing God, studying the word, as well as the many hours of fasting I had done up to this point; it was all destroyed as invalid and in no uncertain terms they laid forth the implications that I was a hypocrite to them and they didn't believe I was saved.
It made my whole life and effort play in front of my eyes as a waste, an utter waste, and all the hours I had spent in religious fervor in various ways the past several years was nothing. Literally nothing. Everything I had thought and believed up to this point about myself and my spiritual relationship was utterly diminished into a vapor that disappeared before my eyes, destroying any little confidence I may have had in myself. There was nothing left. I meant nothing to them. I was nothing.
This whole time his wife was sitting next to me with not a word that I can remember but the sense I got was that she was pleased that I was finally being put in my place.
When he started praying for me he asked God to reveal himself to me and show me the truth about myself, etc. and I just broke. There were thin walls separating me from the public but in that moment I no longer cared who heard or what happened because my life had just been destroyed before my eyes and I literally had nothing to stand on anymore. I sobbed aloud. I wailed. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started speaking in what I considered at the time to be tongues which he had told me just a bit before that he didn't believe I was filled with the spirit. In a way I was glad I started speaking in tongues because it was as proof to them. It seemed to change the tone of the room. She handed me some tissues and he finished up his prayer. It almost seemed they were a bit ashamed of their accusations but the only thing they said is that I shall put my stuff away and go home. I went and put my stuff away as best I could trying to look like nothing was wrong and went home realizing I had spent 3 hours in that little room of torture. I had been chewed up and spit out. Any foundation I may have had was blown to smithereens and I was left standing in the dust with nothing to look forward to, utterly destroyed. I didn't know what to believe anymore.
Yesterday morning when I was practicing reiki on myself I decided to specifically focus on those 3 hours and the damage that had been done. Till this point I haven't been able to really work on processing and healing any of the memories surrounding them because it's just been too painful and too deep. With my tooth hurting and knowing that when emotional and psychological pain becomes too much to handle the body will find a way to hurt physically to express the pain. For the past week I had a few times worked on healing any emotional pain connected to my tooth but I hadn't been this specific as to a certain memory.
I was a bit scared and worried about whether I was doing it right.
I started my usual practice on myself but this time I set the intention to specifically work on healing the pain connected to those 3 hours I was in that little office having my foundation obliterated. I didn't know what to expect but I tried to hold the memory in the front of my consciousness and imagine the energy healing me...
When I was working on my jaw a different memory came to the surface. I remembered plain as day that moment I realized how ludicrous it was to make female employees wear jumper dresses because you believe that woman should wear dresses and that pants were sinful. It was such a lightbulb moment but I didn't know what to make of it so it's just been sitting in my memory till yesterday in the middle of my reiki session. It didn't seem at all connected.
A few minutes later another memory came to the surface of one Saturday I was working and I asked him to get a pallet down from the second tier with the tow motor so I could put it out and he just nonchalantly replied that his pay level didn't include that. It struck me speechless. Here was the owner, my employer, who considered himself a Christian and called to preach the word of God, and he was literally refusing to give me a hand when I was asking for it. It was so confusing and just one of a number of incidents that made their words to not line up with their actions. He could have just told me he doesn't feel like it right now and told me what to do instead of something like that.
I kept working down my body through the chakras and when I got to my solar plexus/ stomach area I suddenly realized that the pain in my mouth has gone from a 5 down to a 2 if 10 means I can't bear it and 1 means I don't have any pain. I clenched my jaw to check because just the evening before it had been hard to eat because of the pain. There was barely any pain and in disbelief I started to cry. I couldn't believe how much the pain had lessened! I cried a bit as in release and felt lighter. By the time I was done this insight had formed itself in my mind.
They felt the need to dominate.
By setting their work dress code for their employees as women having to wear dresses they were dominating women to conform to their dress code even if they believed differently. I remember them commenting how they disliked seeing the women with jeans sticking out from under their work dress because they believed it was sinful for women to wear pants. At first it seemed right to me until that moment when it clicked that I mentioned earlier...
They felt the need to dominate me when I was no longer their employee by destroying the foundation I stood upon which they had helped to build.
People who dominate will never apologize for hurting others even if they realize they are wrong. (I never got an apology and don't expect to ever get one.)
With that insight and having just lately "deconstructed" from Christianity from holding the religion at arms length I realized that Christianity itself is a domineering religion. Let me explain...
In the church, men dominate women by not allowing them to have teaching/preaching positions.
Men dominate women by reducing them to sex slaves whether they acknowledge that or not as it is so hidden in the teachings.
Men dominate women by not allowing them equal rights and consider them to be less than them in many ways.
Men dominate women by not allowing them to have a voice that is heard and respected.
Christianity dominates other cultures and religions by destroying other cultures, killing those who don't believe like them, threatening hell and eternal damnation to all that don't do as they think they should, and the list goes on and on and on. History is full of it. The white Christian, the dominator, the victor, is the one who has rewritten history to have the power.
Just one example is of Christian Aid Ministries who allows abusers to go as missionaries to other countries and when people in other countries have been converted by fear they then get them to forsake the culture they have had for centuries and leave behind all the richness of their, dress, cultures,etc to become part of one that domineers others who don't believe the same as they do.
How do I know? I've experienced it. The more I seek to heal from the hell I've been through the more I see the holes, the lies, the whole control system created by man to control man and to keep him from using the faculties of his mind that have been bestowed upon him by demanding utter obedience and little to no questioning. I see it throughout history and the hell that's been inflicted on other divine human beings all in the name of Jesus. When you see it you can't unseen it. I could say more but I digress because it probably comes across as me being hateful of the religion I was born and raised in. So many things in history have been twisted to justify the narrative to make the actions taken in the name of Jesus seem right and good when it was no other than the need to dominate and enslave by wicked, cruel people.
In the end of my session yesterday morning, I came away with the realization that if the 3 hour demolition of my foundation has not happened the trajectory of my path would be entirely different. I would probably be a very staunch religious person doing my best to please God and man, utterly denying in the name of a living sacrifice and be thoroughly involved in some kind of mission work. What happened instead is that with my foundation demolished I had nothing to stand on and it caused me to question everything. To ask questions that I never would have asked otherwise. Like where the Bible comes from. How the stories in the Bible differ from other religions. If the 10 plagues that supposedly happened to the Egyptians actually happened and are in Egyptian history, since they didn't all get killed at the Red sea crossing. You get the point, I hope.
I also realized yesterday that my life has been deteriorating since that 3 hour demolition. My energy has kept declining every year. From being able to work 45 hours a week to 30 hours a week to 12 hours a week and periods where it feels like my body is totally shutting down.
When the foundation of everything you believed in and thought to be true is destroyed,will your body not follow suit?
I do believe that this is what has been happening to me. My body is only mirroring what has happened spiritually and emotionally and mentally.
Now that I've basically hit rock bottom, and it seems like my only future is homelessness and certain death before I have lived half my life, I find myself finally finding the things that align with me. The things seem to be meant for me. Discovering what resonates with me. Who I really am. How powerful I really am. What a change I could possibly make in this hurting world for the better. I can only go up from here. I don't want to ever forget the things I have experienced because as horrible and traumatizing as it has been it wouldn't have helped me become who I am today. And being able to transmute the darkness and pain into something that develops me into a more empowered and compassionate person instead of the crippled wretch my abusive employers left to die in their wake, is that not the best reward? How is it that so many people are unwilling to face the dark shadows hidden in their past? It is only because they cannot grasp how transmuting those painfully dark shadows would set them free beyond their wildest dreams. Each person's journey is unique to them and there is no judgement here. Just pride and applause for all those brave enough to even attempt to transmute their shadows and pain because in all reality, every step we make towards healing sends out a ripple of healing to the world. We are all connected whether we know it or not and our choices affect those around us.
May the ripples we create by our choices be healing ripples instead of damaging ones...🤍✨💎
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