Deep Healing & Inventing A New Dessert
- Sparkling Diamond
- Sep 4
- 18 min read
One beautiful afternoon I was laying in the yard enjoying the beauty when I felt something wiggle under my leg. I froze, trying to think what ever could be small enough to fit under my leg. I sat up but didn't see anything. I patted the grass a bit but couldn't figure out what it was. A few minutes later when I was sitting cross-legged I felt it under my knee. This time I realized that I was sitting on top of some mouse tunnels. The grass had been cut so they were more exposed and I enjoyed watching the grass twitch as the little mouse moved along its tunnels across the yard. I think I scared it because then it seemed to run away.
The next morning I was sitting in the yard watching the sun come up and was almost ready to come inside when I saw a feather fall from the sky. As it landed I got distracted for a second and then went to see if I could find it. I searched the area three times and found nothing. The only feathers I found were covered with dew. I was disappointed but I thought that perhaps I'm not supposed to have it.
When I went out to the mailbox one afternoon I caught sight of the most beautiful dainty little feather stuck in the crack of the sidewalk. It totally made my day! I find it interesting how the smallest things can give me so much delight...
A day or so later I was looking for some free books online to download and the book Let Your Guides Speak by Debra Landwehr Engle showed up in my feed. I downloaded it because I am beginning to feel like I have some. I also keep thinking that one of them may be Sasquatch as I have no other explanations for why I keep having beautiful experiences when I go to my favorite wooded trail.
It was beautifully written by a lady who also learned to work with her guides and had so many personal stories of how she built a relationship with her guides. I decided to try and connect with mine. I lay on the sofa because I was tired of sitting and imagined writing them an invitation to send out into the universe to them. I was so looking forward to meeting them, getting to know them and my spirit was dancing with delight at the thought of having a team to work with in this lifetime instead of feeling like I have to do it all on my own. I then tried to quiet my mind so I could hopefully sense a response. What I felt was a lot of energy moving in my chest. It was interesting. Usually I can feel it moving up and down or surrounding me but this was very specifically in my heart center. It almost felt like someone was working in my chest but it didn't hurt as it was just energy. Then I fell asleep and took almost a half hour nap. I guess I needed it but I was a little disappointed that nothing else seemed to happen. (When I woke up from my nap and got up to move on with my day I happened to look at my phone and it was 2:22 PM.) I've even been trying in my dreams to meet Sasquatch and learn from them but I often wake up feeling like I had no dreams or if I did I remember nothing. Occasionally I will remember a glimpse of a Sasquatch. Honestly it's been kinda discouraging...even though I believe stuff is happening on a higher level than I am currently conscious of.
This weekend I was planning to go to my first pow wow. What I didn't realize was that I had the wrong dates. The only reason I discovered I had the wrong dates was because a friend was asking what my week had been like and I was telling her that I was going to a pow wow and went searching for the flier so I could send it to her and realized that I had the wrong dates in mind. I was sorely disappointed to find that I have to wait a few more weeks before I can go. The one this weekend was the one I originally wanted to go to because it mentioned a healing circle but it's over an hour's drive away, a little too far for me currently.
Instead I decided I'd go to the park to my favorite trail and sit in the woods. While there would probably be a lot of people around because of the holiday weekend there would probably be peace and quiet off the trail. I had to do laundry so I didn't get there till around 10 am. I took along my colored pencils and paper so I could do something creative because I didn't want to read book. (I watch a lot of videos of people's experiences with Sasquatch and one person suggested to start building a relationship go out in the woods for several hours and take a long something to do)
When I got there there were already a number of vehicles in the parking lot but I managed to get into the woods without crossing paths with anyone. When I was ready to enter my favorite part of the trail I realized two rather loud ladies were following in my footsteps so I disappeared into the woods. It then seemed like they got quiet and I don't know which way they went as suddenly they were either quiet or went a different way where I couldn't hear them. I continued down the path till I found a spot to enter the woods. I went a distance into the woods so that most people won't see me unless they are really observant. Then my heart sank when I realized I was not hidden from the bike trail. I watched a few bikers go by and then I realized that they are so busy having to watch the path that no one has time to look around and see me. With that I sat down on a fallen log and did my morning reiki session. It was such a beautiful morning and the birds were chattering around me. At one point I happened to see a fallen branch waving as though someone had brushed past it even though I didn't see or hear anyone.
After looking around a bit I realized that not far from me was a sasquatch structure. After I was done with the reiki work I went to look at it. When I got near it and was looking at it I felt energy quite strongly in and around my body. I was worried I was trespassing but in asking if it was ok for me to be here I felt no resistance but more like I was welcome so I checked it out closer. Then I remembered a video I had watched where someone found a structure and they discovered it was pointing perfectly to magnetic north. Being curious I had enough service to download a compass so I could check. It wasn't due north but it was still interesting because it seemed to have been made intentionally.
I had decided to bring along some gifts for whoever that keeps meeting me in this part of the woods. I don't have sacred tobacco to gift like the native Americans used to do and I wanted to show my gratitude for the kindness, help and healing I receive every time I go there. For some reason I chose the number 3; I wanted to take apples, some of my pretty stones and some feathers as I didn't know what else to gift so I chose 3 of each. There was under the structure another fallen log which I then used as the altar or gifting site. I don't know who the being is that keeps being so kind and helpful to me but I wanted to show my gratitude in what little way I could think of.
I then sat on the ground beside my log and spent the next hour creating an art piece of what I would like to see happen in the future in this area. It seems like there's almost no beautiful, unscary stories in this state. I've only found one despite all the time I spent searching for some to try to find connections and community of some sort.
Soon after I started drawing I happened to look up and see a feather come floating down a shaft of sunlight to the forest floor. It was rather magical. I went to see if I could find it but I just didn't see it and began to think that maybe I'm not supposed to have it. In that moment I hear a buzzing insect. A thought came into my mind about the insect helping me find the feather so I followed the insect with my eyes as it buzzed in front of me and it literally flew within 2 or 3 inches of the feather. The feather's color matched so well with the forest floor that I don't think I would have found it otherwise.
I went back and finished my art piece, feeling totally at peace and safe, but not without discovering that my yellow pencil color was missing. I saw deer a few times, being disturbed by all the humans moving around on the trails. The birds looked for their breakfast all around me. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Once I heard a stick crack but I didn't see anything. It could have been someone walking on the trail even though it seemed closer than that.
After I was done I wandered around the woods just to see if I can find anything new and interesting. I saw a few things but by then I was tired so I soon headed home. I was so tired and irritable that I decided to lay down and take a nap but not before I once again tried connecting with my guides. Just before I fell asleep for some reason I wondered what the date was: 8-31-2025=3. I thought that was interesting that for some reason I chose 3 gifts in quantities of 3 to take and the day's date also equaled 3 so I searched to see what 3 stands for. The next morning I notice this after I was done posting my quotes:
And then as I think more about it I wonder if perhaps my guides are trying to tell me I have 3 guides on my team...hmm... anything is possible...as I try to learn to not judge or have preconceived expectations and just be open to going with the flow.
I think I might have invented something new: a dessert haystack. I saw a video on Instagram from someone I follow and it reminded me of haystacks which then made me hungry for some so I decided to make some. Then I wondered what a dessert haystack might look like but in searching I could only find chocolate covered cho mein noodles so I decided to create my own.
For the base I made these chewy oatmeal cookies and added some craisins that have been sitting in the cupboard. You could use anything from granola to brownies to cake. Then I layered fruits that I had: pineapple, blackberries, raspberries and blueberries. Again, you can use any fruit you would like. For the sauce I mixed a block of cream cheese, half a can of peanut butter that was rather runny and enough milk to make an easy to pour sauce. I didn't add sugar to the mix because the cookies were already sweet as well as the sugar in the fruit but it definitely would have tasted better if I had put a little sweetener into it. But...it was good...and healthy for the most part...
Then September 1st rolls around and I woke up with a sick feeling in my body because of not having enough funds to pay my rent. I was struggling with wanting to blame and beat myself up because I felt like I had failed. I told myself that this can be a healing opportunity despite how much I was struggling with what felt like my failure to live with integrity and honesty and full responsibility despite knowing that I have been doing the best I knew all along. It was a deep blow and I was very triggered because it reminded me very much of the pandemic and how I had spiraled down from there and now finally being on the other side 4 years later in my first safe place for the first time in my life and I could not see anything other than that I'm starting the cycle all over again. All I could think about was all the horrible things I've been through in the past 4 years and how much I do not want to repeat them all over again. I spent the morning crying and trying to figure out how to heal the root beneath all of it to change the trajectory that I see coming so I don't have to repeat it all again.
Back in 2020 I was living in a mobile home in a quiet setting. I was laid off for 5 weeks because of the shutdown which caused me to spiral financially. I couldn't pay my rent on time anymore and I felt like I was taking advantage of my landlord. It felt like I was breaking a promise and I couldn't stand that. The only thing I could think to do was find a cheaper place and a better job. At the time I was also transitioning to wearing pants and the neighbor children weren't allowed to come over anymore which also hurt deeply. I don't even want to talk about what happened after that but it's all on my blog if you want to read more.
Now I'm finding myself again/still without community as I did then and again I don't have money to pay all my rent. Thanks to all the kind people who have helped me stay afloat for so long. I chose not to ask for help on social media like I have in the past because it feels like I'm "robbing Peter to pay Paul". I'm fully responsible for my situation and yet there's things out of my control. I have been actively trying to find a job. A job I'm not going to hate. I finally had an interview a week ago but have not heard anything since so I'm not sure what will happen with that. It just feels so discouraging because I know I'm doing my best but there's only so much I can do. I can't control others and their choices.
I wasn't feeling too bad by the time noon rolled around and about quarter of one I was reminded by my guides or some being watching out for me that there was a zoom meeting I wanted to attend and so I was able to do that but as soon as that ended everything came flowing back and for the next few hours as I filled a canner with hamburger and chicken thighs I had such a battle raging inside of myself of one part of me being so frustrated and upset with myself for being in this situation and another part of me that was trying to extend grace. I was so miserable and I didn't know what to do about it. I had come to accept that the whole reason I started spiraling back in 2020 was because I wasn't patient with my situation because I felt like I was taking advantage of my landlord by not being able to pay rent and the only thing I could think was to find something cheaper. I felt like I was taking advantage. I was trying to live a life of integrity and honesty and not paying rent flew in the face of who I thought I was or was trying to be(to not be like my parents).
I went to bed exhausted from the fight with in. The surrender to the emotions that raged within. I wept as I apologized over and over to all the beings and guides trying to help me for being such a mess and so blind and deaf that I couldn't seem to hear what they might be trying to tell me. I slept but not well.
The next morning the quote I chose to share spoke of healing the mess inside by being very present. I decided to put it to the test. I stayed on the sofa all morning trying my best to be as present as possible with the mess inside. I felt so raw and ripped open. It went deeper and deeper till I felt like my heart was a bloody battlefield but slowly I began to see the root and this is what I came to understand:
-First, I felt like I had failed to live a life of integrity and honesty by not keeping my promise made on paper to pay what was due on time.
-Second, I know what it's like to be failed by the very people who were supposed to protect and be there for me and so to cope I chose to live a life of not failing others in anyway to my utmost ability because I didn't want others to feel the same pain.
-Third, I was failed by my mom being unavailable and my dad sexually abusing me when I was still in diapers, so very young.
-Fourth, in trying to protect myself from being failed again I became the protector, loyal, encourager, listener, etc.
-Fifth, I needed to heal the pain of being failed by my parents. I needed to let down the walls around this pain so that it can be filled with love and healed. And then, I will no longer feel the need to be to others what I never had with a coping skill to try to protect myself and those I care about from the pain of being failed.
(If you haven't noticed yet, this is very similar to being a people pleaser. Not being a people pleaser is something I've been working on for several years now. There are a lot of similarities and both stem from pain and negative beliefs that seem true in the moment, but aren't.)
When I finally came down to the root of it, I didn't have much fight left and what was keeping me from asking for help to heal this pain? It was such a an old wound, probably one of the first in this lifetime, and it was hard to see it clearly but nevertheless I lay down on my back and figuratively bared my chest and asked for help because I couldn't think of any other way to try to heal. I felt the energy swirling about my body and in a little bit after a lot of tears I felt more like myself again. I feel like a lot got healed but that there's deeper layers that need to be healed. At least I've made a start on such a deep old wound.
The rest of the day my stomach was tied in knots and I didn't know why. I tried to relax. To breathe deep. To calm the anxiety that I didn't understand where it was coming from. When I went to bed I tried even more to relax but it wasn't helping very fast. For some reason I just had this idea of using the infinity symbol ( like an 8 but sideways) so I traced it up and down on my stomach and to my surprise within seconds the pain was gone and I felt relaxed. With my heart still feeling raw after the battle of the last two days I also drew it up and down over my heart. The next thing I knew I was so deeply relaxed and then I was out and slept so deep all night. This morning when I woke up it was around 5:30 and I wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to try it again and traced it up and down on my chest and found myself so deeply relaxed in seconds. I thought I'd fall asleep again but I didn't, just relaxed so deeply that I could hardly feel my arms and legs. I then went on a search to find out what the symbol stands for and how it is used. I was grateful to feel more like myself again even though I felt drained from the last several days. (Just earlier in the day I had been thinking about how I keep hearing in people's stories of working with the Sasquatch that they say that we can do all the things they can do but that we as humans have forgotten and I was wishing I'd be able to remember those things because I would really feel safer if I was able to cloak myself if I felt in danger. Who knows, maybe that's why I used the infinity symbol...)
I decided I would spend part of the day in the woods again and this was the third day since I had put the gift items out in the woods and I wanted to see what was taken. When I got there the apples were gone with no crumbs around or any trace. One stone had been knocked down but that was about it. Now I'd like to think that it was Sasquatch but I have no way to tell. It may have been a person even though I think most people stay on the trail. If it was an animal they may have managed to eat them all without leaving crumbs.
I didn't take any art stuff with me this time but instead I decided to build stuff with the forest debris just as I used to as a child in the garden with dirt, sticks, bits of wood and broken glass, and toy cars. I sat on a fallen log to do my reiki work first but then under the structure next to the log where I had gifted the items I made an infinity symbol and in one loop I built an native American village symbolizing humans returning to living in harmony on the land with respect for nature and in the other loop I made two figures to represent Sasquatch and humans in a mutually supportive and respectful relationship with no fear, only love.
I got lost in what I was doing till some deer snorted at me about 25-50 yards away. I was downwind so for the longest time they were snorting at me and trying to figure out if I was dangerous. It made me laugh even though I didn't want to scare them away. They finally went far enough around me to get a whiff of me and then they disappeared. At one point I heard someone banging a stick on a tree a few times. I don't know if it was a person because it didn't seem to come from the trail. Now and then I heard sticks cracking but saw no one. After I was done I was sitting back on the log just enjoying the peaceful energy of the woods when I had the idea of using the infinity symbol on my chest as away of reminding myself I'm connected and one with all. As I got done the wind picked up and almost scared me because it made everything seem so much more alive but as I got used to the noise I relaxed and laughed at the creaking noises the trees made. Childlike, I put my ear to the tree trunks to see if I could hear the treetops and branches moving and I could. For a little bit I thought I heard someone's squeaky bike brakes but there was no one else around and it didn't seem to come from the treetops and it sometimes happened when it wasn't as windy so it made me think that some being was mimicking the sound. Whenever I heard a sound out of the ordinary that might be Sasquatch I would talk to them in my head even though I know very well that they could be standing right beside me and I wouldn't even know it. Or perhaps there's none there. But with the experiences I've been having there I think there is some kind of being there that's trying to help me build a relationship and is helping me where it can. Maybe one day I will get to see this being but on the way out I realized that it seems like my inner child feels free in that space of the woods to come out and play as I keep finding myself getting so caught up in the creative project that sudden noises make me jump. It feels really healing in a way. Like I can be the child free of fear that I was not able to be in my childhood. Little bits of more healing for my inner child. I was out there for about 5 hours and I found myself loathe to leave. I just wished I could stay in that space simply because I felt safe and like I could be myself without fear of humans criticizing or judging me. Whoever was with me was helping create a safe space for me to be free without judgement in unconditional love. I found myself wanting to dance because I felt so free and alive but I only did a little bit behind the tree trunk that half hid me from the trail so that I might not be seen. It would be even better if there was a fire and safe friends to join me...
On the way home a question got stuck in my mind, if I have a soul contract, can I know what it is or is it a secret? It put me on a search for the next few hours and I was quite surprised by what I found. Some of it made me speechless and other parts made me cry because it so totally showed me my struggles and my strengths as well as my heart's desires. This system has been worked on for centuries it seems like so I guess it has been perfected to the point where it's quite spot on. If you are interested you can get your free soul contract chart here. The PDF book you can download after you finish the chart isn't as helpful as I would have liked but this article is much more helpful as well as this YouTube channel where she talks about each one and what it could mean and look like for different individuals. Also this article explains how a soul contract child is put together and how to read it. It was so fascinating and so on spot that it's actually been quite encouraging in helping me know what to focus on in going forward as I had been just kind of clueless as no doors seem to be opening and I'm not sure which direction to go anymore...I will put the actual results for my chart in a member post for the members that may be interested in the results...
Such an interesting journey! It has been so up and down and inside out the last several days! In some of the videos she mentioned having a father wound which was so spot on as well as struggling with self worth which stems from a father wound so now I want to heal it even more. I have a feeling it will be deep and messy but I'm excited to see what will happen once it's healed. I know I don't have to face it alone so now I'm going on a search to see if there's a way to heal a father wound energetically and if I think about it I will use reiki specifically as well in the next little while. I really am excited to see where this journey takes me next!
Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey and I hope you picked up a tip or two to help yourself on your journey...🤍💎🧚🏞️
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