A bit ago I was thinking about perfectionism and the role it has played in my life. I remember different people throughout my life telling me that maybe I'm trying to hard. I find it hard at times when people I work with don't seem to care about their work or they don't seem to care about how their actions affect others. I don't want to be upset with them but I just don't get the mindset. For me, I think perfectionism started when I was still quite young and I saw a plaque in

This is just an impromptu post because I'm trying to process where I'm at with religion, Christianity in particular...I want to talk about it but this is about the safest space I can think of to try to put my thoughts into words without them just staying stuck inside of me. I'm putting myself out there, and in a way risking myself, to put this out like this. I had someone tell me that the sad part of deconstruction is that people often walk away from Jesus. I don't intend to

The other day I was looking for hairspray to use for a project after I got done with my shift. At first I got a big bottle of the shelf then I was looking at aloe vera gel because mine is empty but I didn't like all the ingredients in it so I wandered over to the travel size section thinking that perhaps there's a smaller size with less ingredients. What I found instead was a smaller bottle of hair spray for which I was delighted because I only want to use it to stiffen curta

At my job we get a free turkey for Thanksgiving. When I was getting mine my manager said that if I don't have plans that I am welcome to join them. He and his wife had helped me move my furniture when I finally got out of the shelter and they knew that I didn't have family or very many friends nearby, so they wanted to make sure I don't have to spend the holidays alone which I greatly appreciate. It has been a rough few weeks and so I hadn't really considered how I was going

It's been a while since I've written about my healing journey. There's been a profound shift in the last little bit which has been quite interesting and I am excited for where it's going to lead me. In past IFS sessions I would approach my hurting parts from the past with my present self but now I seem to be approaching them with my future self which is quite interesting. There is a lot of different things that have led to this shift and... FYI if you are religiously christi

I am a bit hesitant to share all this stuff because I have experienced people who call themselves christians to lash out or try to tell me I'm wrong or that I'm going off the deep end, or to hell basically, because of the choices I've made in the past and... honestly, I expect more down the road. But if you're here reading this I hope you will be open minded and at least follow along on my journey of curiosity. This is about me and where I'm at. It has nothing to do with you.

Yesterday was the third time that I spent time with Rose, my therapy horse. She is brown all over with a big round belly. Last week when I was there, towards the end of our session, my horse therapist took me over to a whiteboard on the other side of the arena to show me how human brains work different than horse brains. In the middle was 4 boxes shaped as an upside down triangle. The bottom box was named something equivalent to survival mode. The next one said movement and b

If you have been following my story lately you may have heard that I was in the shelter for 7 months...it really took me for a loop mentally and emotionally. My trauma professional put in countless hours to put up a fundraiser for me and someone else who also needed aid. I found a place but they asked for a double deposit because of my income level. I used most of my savings to pay half of the deposit just to hold the key because they were the first to even be willing to wor

TW: Child Sexual Abuse I haven't been writing much lately. I've been wanting to but the words inside my head are just all jumbled and my thoughts are having a hard time untangling themselves. There for a while I was writing and painting after almost every therapy session but I guess being stuck in the shelter for 7 months really took a toll on me. I've been in my own space for almost 3 weeks now. I feel like everything is starting to find it's home and I'm getting used to my

On Sunday night I had an individual slip into my DMs implying that she's doing well but that I'm not because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm guessing that she saw the video my trauma professional posted regarding my situation and felt she needed to tell me that I need to try harder. I forwarded the messages to my trauma professional because I wanted to make sure I respond appropriately. I told that individual that everyone's journey is different and that what works for her m

Last night I was able to release just a little bit more grief and pain from how my abusive employers treated me...it is still such a hard, painful part in my life that I can hardly go there even if I don't have to go alone. Usually first it helps for me to get grounded. So much of the time I don't feel safe and am so much in survival mode that it's hard to even get started. Just noticing my breath. And feeling the firmness of the car seat cushions under me and just letting my

In February I felt that maybe I'd be out of the shelter by the end of the month. (But that was false)I planned that I would spend March celebrating Christmas for myself and all the parts of me that never were able to before. I planned I'd spend April, my birthday month, doing one thing every day to celebrate that I am still alive after everything I've had to survive. But this morning I realized... That April is almost halfway over. I had such a mixture of feelings inside of m

Today I was thinking about that question. A few days ago I was asked when the exhaustion started. When I first felt it.

Warning: this is a really raw post. Read at your own risk...

It was just such a straight out-of-the-blue question that even if something was or had happened that I remembered, I don't think I'd have

See the little girl? She's very young. Maybe 2 or 3 years old. She feels so bewildered and alone. The people who should be nurturing her...

And it reminds that 16 year old part of me of how it used to be at that age. Yes, my parents owned the property but I had no space to...