Yesterday was the third time that I spent time with Rose, my therapy horse. She is brown all over with a big round belly. Last week when I was there, towards the end of our session, my horse therapist took me over to a whiteboard on the other side of the arena to show me how human brains work different than horse brains. In the middle was 4 boxes shaped as an upside down triangle. The bottom box was named something equivalent to survival mode. The next one said movement and b

If you have been following my story lately you may have heard that I was in the shelter for 7 months...it really took me for a loop mentally and emotionally. My trauma professional put in countless hours to put up a fundraiser for me and someone else who also needed aid. I found a place but they asked for a double deposit because of my income level. I used most of my savings to pay half of the deposit just to hold the key because they were the first to even be willing to wor

TW: Child Sexual Abuse I haven't been writing much lately. I've been wanting to but the words inside my head are just all jumbled and my thoughts are having a hard time untangling themselves. There for a while I was writing and painting after almost every therapy session but I guess being stuck in the shelter for 7 months really took a toll on me. I've been in my own space for almost 3 weeks now. I feel like everything is starting to find it's home and I'm getting used to my

TW:Animal Abuse

On Sunday night I had an individual slip into my DMs implying that she's doing well but that I'm not because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm guessing that she saw the video my trauma professional posted regarding my situation and felt she needed to tell me that I need to try harder. I forwarded the messages to my trauma professional because I wanted to make sure I respond appropriately. I told that individual that everyone's journey is different and that what works for her m

Around a year ago in the healing work I was doing I came up with the idea that I wanted to build a dollhouse for the child inside of me that never had one. I wanted to give her so many things that she had never been allowed to have as a child. I used to be obsessed with my cousin's barbies and all the tiny accessories as a young child till it was taken away because they thought I played too much with them... I designed a dollhouse. I have the plans somewhere in storage. The h

This is just me processing over planning out what I will need to do if I end up living in my car... The first thing that comes to mind is my food. Probably because so often as a child food was withheld as punishment. I would have no way to keep my food cold. I have a frozen Turkey that was a Thanksgiving gift from my employer. I was looking forward to cooking it once I have my own kitchen again. I have about a case or two of frozen fruit that I had bought and frozen for smoo

Last night I was able to release just a little bit more grief and pain from how my abusive employers treated me...it is still such a hard, painful part in my life that I can hardly go there even if I don't have to go alone. Usually first it helps for me to get grounded. So much of the time I don't feel safe and am so much in survival mode that it's hard to even get started. Just noticing my breath. And feeling the firmness of the car seat cushions under me and just letting my

In February I felt that maybe I'd be out of the shelter by the end of the month. (But that was false)I planned that I would spend March celebrating Christmas for myself and all the parts of me that never were able to before. I planned I'd spend April, my birthday month, doing one thing every day to celebrate that I am still alive after everything I've had to survive. But this morning I realized... That April is almost halfway over. I had such a mixture of feelings inside of m

Today I was thinking about that question. A few days ago I was asked when the exhaustion started. When I first felt it.

Warning: this is a really raw post. Read at your own risk...

It was just such a straight out-of-the-blue question that even if something was or had happened that I remembered, I don't think I'd have

See the little girl? She's very young. Maybe 2 or 3 years old. She feels so bewildered and alone. The people who should be nurturing her...

The fire of hope flickers. It blows out. Only red coals glow. Will they live? Only time will tell...

And it reminds that 16 year old part of me of how it used to be at that age. Yes, my parents owned the property but I had no space to...

Last week someone sent me these words when I needed to hear them because I have been feeling so pressured to "fit in a box" (which doesn't work for me)... "You sparkle, just by being YOU! 🌟 ...It's just been that too many people have been so stuck in their "boxes" of conformity... they miss the magnificence of those who are sparkly stars. And, sadly, they live in the dull world of conformity to errant beliefs and near sighted "judgement. But YOU...Just keep on Sparkling..

Tonight I decided that I want to make tomato soup and a toasted cheese sandwich for supper. I left the room to go to my locker in the laundry room to get some tea bags. I heard my name and assumed my sandwich was about to burn and tried to push my tired body to go a little faster. When I reentered the kitchen the lady said she had removed the pan with my sandwich off the burner because she thought that it was burning. After she said it the feeling that I felt because of her a

This past weekend was horrible. I had things I wanted to do but I didn't get any of it done... Friday I went to work and took a picture of the schedule and noticed that I was scheduled for 5 hours instead of the 4 I had told them that I could do. I went to the manager and told him that I am unable to work an extra hour at this point and I don't know why I'm scheduled like that. He replied that it's ok to work just 4 hours, that he'll talk to the other manager that did the sch

Edit: I had taken this down because I was unsure whether I really should post it but decided to repost it in its rawness...

Implicit memories and flashbacks are no respecter of present situations or whether you feel safe or not...They are like demanding teasers sa