A Glimpse Into The Last Few Weeks
- Sparkling Diamond
- 1 hour ago
- 17 min read
I haven't been in a writing mood lately. Partly because it feels like not much is happening, on the surface anyway. A lot has been going on under the surface and if you're interested you may catch glimpses as I tell you about what's been happening in my life lately. You may already have seen the last two posts about the lyre harp and the roof top garden ... They both were things that happened in my outer world after a long internal process.
I have been practicing reiki on myself every day and there for a bit there seemed to be a lot happening with healing and insights,etc. but now for the most part it has seemed to slow down. I want to get back to working on getting my level 2 certification and was delighted yesterday when my local friend told me she would love if I sent her reiki everyday because I need to practice before I have paying clients. I have been practicing on myself up to this point and finally feel comfortable with the symbols and techniques enough to be ready to start practicing on others. Apparently when someone sends reiki to someone else whether they are in the room or across the world, the giver also receives reiki as well. This morning I was sending reiki to my friend and it really brought up stuff for me. Nothing specific, just an overwhelming sadness and heaviness. I don't know if it has anything to do with the pull I have towards old graveyards which was brought to the forefront when I was giving myself reiki earlier or by the fact that the wasps are still determined to try to build a nest at my front door. Both are puzzling. I came across this video a bit ago trying to understand why they would want to build at my front door and she gave a very good explanation as to what it was for her. Animals have spiritual meanings in many cultures and I've been trying to figure out if there's a message for me or something. I keep spraying vinegar but they still insist on building a nest there. As for the graveyard thing, I've always been fascinated by the ones that are abandoned and from a hundred years or more in the past. I love looking at the names and dates and imagining what it might have been like so many years ago, the styles, dress and manners. I also love the grandly decorated tombstones. I love the art and beauty and I have a dream of one day buying an old forgotten graveyard and turning it into a kind of garden by planting flowers and trees etc somewhat in honor of those who passed so long ago. Kinda interesting stuff. But ugh! I'm definitely having to face my fears of the wasps and the preconceived idea that they're all bad and learning that they can actually symbolize good things too. I still have to figure out that riddle because apparently there is can be something energetically in my life that makes them want to nest there because they vibe with the energy.
I had quite a routine going with the things I was doing with both reiki and the financial course I had been working on but one day it just all collapsed. It seems like I want to stick to routine but I get bored and have to switch things up. It bothers me because it feels abnormal. As I pondered on this I remembered all the changes I've made over the years and how a used-to-be friend once told me I need to bloom where I was planted( as in horse and buggy Mennonite) and I don't remember where I saw it but sometimes you need to be transplanted when you've outgrown your "pot". I began to see that if a person is growing there will be changes. You do one thing till you learn the next thing then you do that till the next thing comes along. In so doing we grow and evolve as new information/truth surfaces. If we were to stay the same we would become stagnant. Yes, at times it is comforting to have a routine but I think an unpredictable dysfunctional childhood set me up differently as well. The drama may be gone for the most part but now I recreate it in part by trying new things and new projects. I'm becoming ok with just following my intuition and sticking only to the most important things for routine like practicing reiki on myself or brushing my teeth. And eating of course. But sometimes I forget even that when I'm in the middle of projects. I've also made a habit of sitting outside under my favorite tree in the mornings because the sun in my eyes helps my circadian rhythm stay on track and I sleep much better. It also grounds me so I can focus better and it's so beautiful to watch the birds and animals. The grackle babies outside my front door have flown the nest a few days ago. Yesterday I noticed a tiny baby rabbit that has also come out of the nest. I took my lyre harp outside the other morning to make music for the plants and animals and it seemed like they liked it. The one grackle seemed to figure out that I give the food at the feeder and so when it gets low he stands at the window glass calling to me.
The other day I just had to get out of the house and I just longed for the woods so I left the house before 8 AM (it feels safer to me than later in the day) to bike several miles over to an undeveloped nature preserve to spend the morning in nature. It was foggy when I started off and gave an ethereal feel over the landscape. I had a beautiful morning and there were a few things I noticed that was interesting. When I got there I was getting ready to go into the woods and a mosquito came buzzing towards me and I wished I had brought my insect repellent so I was sure I'd most likely get lots of bites and I was dreading the itchiness that comes with it. But I soon got distracted by the flowers and plants around me and taking photos that I forgot for the time being. I found myself telling the plants and trees how beautiful they are and telling them I love them, giving trees hugs here and there, apologizing if I accidentally might have hurt a plant, wishing I could walk in such a way that I wouldn't have to crush any because there were no trails to walk on so I had to find my own way and that meant walking on plants. It had also rained the day before so everything was saturated making it slippery. The water flowing in the creek and the singing birds in the early morning was so beautiful and relaxing. I saw a set of trees that I called the three sisters because that's what they looked like.
When I was walking the creek bottom, my attention was suddenly turned to a specific tree and I thought it might have something to say to me so I went over to it. I gave it an awkward hug because I was afraid of getting dirty lol and then was exploring it's few lower leaves and discovered what looked like a tiny inchworm. I thought it was dead but it moved when I moved the leaf and I was sorry I disturbed it but was glad it was alive. It made me wonder if the tree wanted me to see it.
A number of times the spring beauty of bird songs and flowers and plants touched me so deeply that tears filled my eyes. There were just so many beautiful things to see everywhere. The most interesting thing besides the tree getting my attention was the fact that not one mosquito bit me or any other insect in the entire time. That was totally unexpected!
I mentioned before about not sticking to a certain routine and giving myself room to follow my intuition...in giving myself flexibility to follow my own path I decided to find the next subject I want to learn about, something to do with the fascinating world of energy and somewhere I heard about feng shui which is basically about setting things up in your house so the energy can flow well. I did a search to figure out what the top books are recommended on the subject and then I find the cheapest one on eBay to buy. There were two authors I was drawn to and since I wasn't going to buy 2 books I decided to see which one I felt the most drawn to and ended up getting the second one. When I started reading it I wasn't even through the foreword yet when I realized that I was in fact, guided to the better book of the two because the foreword just so happened to be written by the first author I had been considering and she was recommending this!
I have also not been disappointed at all in the things I learned. The first thing that really stuck out to me was the topic of collections or collecting items. She says that our outer world reflects our inner world and collecting items means there's something in our inner world that needs attention before one can move forward. For me that is teacups. To me teacups speak of deep conversations, deep meaningful relationships, and sisterhood, none of which I have in my life or have ever had, really. That is a loss and a grief in itself but most of my life I've been trying to survive and now that I'm finally in a safe place I have no idea how to even go about trying to build the sisterhood and deep relationships that I crave. As I left churches as I grew and evolved and then religion I have lost more relationships and people I thought were friends than I care to count.
The second thing that really struck me was how clutter and broken things drain our energy and even if things are out of sight out of mind, our subconscious knows and it drains our energy. I knew what she meant. Being sensitive so as I am, it was something I have noticed that I hadn't been able to put in words. That sent me on a clearing clutter spree which took me more than a week and I'm still not done. Now I'm just mostly waiting for the trash man to take it all away. As for my teacup collection, I allowed myself to keep 6 of the ones I feel the most drawn to(I probably had 12+) and get rid of the rest. My reasoning being that I don't ever see myself having a teaparty with 12 women so out they went. Same with my pretty stones that I've collected over the years, a whole shoebox full, out of which I kept a bowlful of them to enjoy.
Another thing I found fascinating was that corners of walls have a cutting energy and they can literally cause health issues and I immediately thought of my bathroom because I realized that every time I walked in there I walked through the cutting energy of the shower stall wall. I felt it subconsciously and now I finally realized what I was sensing! With that I went around checking all my furniture and was touched to realize that most of the pieces I already have have rounded corners, like I subconsciously was aware which I find very fascinating.
Then there's a blueprint of different areas of your life like relationships and money that you can overlay on your house plan and it can literally tell you what parts of your life need help. Well, my bathroom is literally in the wealth corner of my house which is not good because it means you can work as hard as you want and still not have much if anything to show for it which is really interesting. A bathroom is seen as a low energy room but there are ways to remedy it. Since I don't have a way to do a space clearing I have to resort to other much cheaper methods so I ordered a few crystals to dispel the energy from the shower stall corner and the bathroom in general and we will see what happens in this experiment.
Another thing mentioned is a bowl of water at the head of your bed with a bit of salt to pull negative energies away from your head when you sleep. I had been feeling like my bedroom is so stale and it didn't feel good at times but it seems to help. I definitely haven't noticed the stale smell since then.
It was also mentioned about fixing or getting rid of things that need repairing or painting because it can also drain energy and once again it is a reflection of your inner world, for example, if you can't take care of your possessions then you probably don't take very good care of yourself. I found that interesting and ever since I've moved here I've been wanting to paint my bedroom furniture but I hadn't yet been motivated enough. Yesterday I was doing my reiki practice when suddenly I got an idea on how I could paint my desk and use up some extra paint that I didn't know what to do with. It was an all day process but I'm so delighted with the end result! I ran out of white paint so I couldn't do all the detailing I wanted but I'm still very happy. Next will be my nightstand...
The original color can be seen on the side of the drawer.
I just find it very interesting how I'm being led to explore different things that I didn't have words for but noticed energetically. It's fascinating stuff! One thing I want to explore soon is tensor rings for charging water. I've known about it for some time but here's an article that explains what I mean.
I think one of my biggest struggles, I think, is coming across post and reels of people saying that they found Jesus. It is very disconcerting and discouraging. It took me a bit to figure out why. Nobody likes being wrong. Certainly not someone like me who grew up in a very religious setting who also spent time in holiness pentecostal settings and Calvary chapel. I used to be so zealous that I would drive 3 hours one way just to go to the church that felt like was where I belonged every weekend and being used as an example of a very god pleasing person with all my actions and trying to do the right thing. That was until I was burned out and started seeing the red flags and not having money for gas either because I gave my hard earned money away too willingly in the tithes every weekend. After a lot of introspection I realized that seeing these people's posts about how they've left witchcraft behind and Jesus is now their everything I find that it has a gaslighting effect on me. I've been there. I know what they're talking about. But my journey is going a different way because the more I heal the more I find red flags in the Bible and things don't line up and contradict each other and I've gone down so many rabbit holes trying to figure out the roots of Christianity and the truth of the roots and what I have seen and found has crumbled what foundation I had left after my abusive employers destroyed everything I believed 6 years ago. I felt shame I would feel if I ever made a full circle back to the god of the Bible. And honestly, from what I see in the old testament of him I literally want nothing to do with him. The ways he acts is exactly how so many abusers act under the guise of religion, my parents included. But I want to do the right thing. I've been trained to be a people pleaser and so automatically I want to keep myself in the religious box I was born into out of fear and wanting to the right thing. I know it would kill me if I did though. I'd probably have to medicate myself to stay in it without unaliving myself because it would be too suffocating for my sensitive spirit.
And knowing the things I know now, I give myself permission to allow my healing journey to take me where it needs to. I see myself as spiritual. I believe there is a Source for life itself. I believe that everything has consciousness and science itself is finding that plants and animals have consciousness and can be communicated with though it is a bit different than human consciousness. It causes one to be present and realize that everything is alive in some way and when you're a sensitive person you find you can't even kill insects knowingly anymore lol. And those plants that are considered to be invasive, such as "invasive" water hyacinths being found effective for micro plastic and agriculture runoff pollution, they might just be trying to clean up the mess humans have made which shows just how much wisdom that the universe holds even in those plants that may seem very low-key. I will grow and evolve as new information is brought into my path. I will ask questions and seek answers. Nature has so much wisdom and lessons for us if we are open to it.
Sometimes I get scared because I don't know where my path will take me. Sometimes I get worried that I will find myself back at square one.
Honestly, I feel so much more free to explore and ask questions in ways I never dreamed possible...
On the other hand, I freaked out the other day because I realized my credit card was maxed out as I had several extra bills including my domain renewals for my website. For a while now I have wanted to change the domain name to fit more into the direction I'm going but I had just been putting it off because I was trying to be ok with the old one even though it didn't resonate with me anymore. In the midst of clearing clutter I missed the renewal date and then with clearing clutter being my focus I decided now or never and was able to get some of my money back. I originally had 2 domains as it was recommended to have 2 so that it makes it easier for people to find you but I realized that I was literally wasting a lot money so the domain I wanted was actually half the price of one of the others so I will be saving a good chunk of money now. I'm really hoping I can sell the other one as it's worth is now around $1300. Right now that amount would lift a big load of my shoulders.
I used to go to the chiropractor every few weeks and now that I have no vehicle I've been trying to figure out how to do without. I was going to ask my friend if she'd take me but then I decided I would rather use the money I put aside for the chiropractor for dirt to fill my homemade planter so that I can at least grow a little bit of food. But it's still been bothering me about the chiropractor. I feel like I've been addicted because it always makes me feel better. Then I came across this quote in this interview that helped me see I was outsourcing my well-being.
Not long after I watched the interview I came across the interview I came across a reel where the person was specifically talking about outsourcing and actually used a chiropractor example and I realized that I had found some exercises that were actually helping on this YouTube channel. Plus if my body is able to heal itself then I want to let it...and assist it...
I will probably be able to get some groceries later this week but after that I don't know what will happen. I have to save the rest of my dollars for rent and electric. My financial state is looking quite dire and I'm not sure what to do about it. I try to not worry about it and trust that the universe will provide because right now I do have enough. If I worry too much then I end up in survival mode and then I can't think well to make good decisions or be creative.
Next week I have the "orientation" at the oral surgeon for having my root canal tooth removed and I still have to find someone to take me because I have no vehicle. It's an hour away so it's going to cost a substantial amount to have someone take me. I guess then I will have to find out when I can get the tooth removed. And then, I I am quite sure that my energy and health will improve and I'll be able to heal some of the painful stuff that I've endured since as apparently a root canal tooth can actually shut down your immune system by 63%! I just HOPE that it won't take my last penny...but we'll see. So far everything has worked out but I'm not getting any closer to my dream of having my own place at the moment because right now I'm just trying to survive... hopefully that will change soon...
The other week I was so distraught over my friend not responding to my text and I was afraid something bad had happened. She's been the one who's been taking me shopping and stuff since I had to get rid of my car and I didn't know what I'd do if she disappeared. I was so distraught and the only place I could think to go was out to my favorite tree. It was raining but not too cold so I donned my rain coat and went outside. It was dusk so I felt safe and like I wouldn't be noticed very quickly so I leaned against the tree trunk crying and talking to the tree in my head, knowing it could hear me because it did before and talked to me. After a few minutes I noticed a rabbit sitting in the middle of the neighbor's yard maybe 10 yards away. It just sat there like it knew I was hurting and was giving me compassionate space to express my pain knowing I wasn't going to chase it. It really did help me feel better. When I was calmed down a little and feeling better I was just standing there enjoying the peacefulness of the rain in the near darkness I felt something on my foot. I looked down to see a small earthworm slithering across the top of my foot. I know animals can sense energy and as I remembered that in that instant I spontaneously said, Oh, you trust me! And it made me start crying all over again because I do want to be trusted, especially by animals, and it always warms my heart when someone or something does trust me.
One morning I was walking in from my morning sit under the tree and something caught my attention and looking closer, there was a beautiful white dew laden feather.
I have stopped taking my camera outside so that I can be more present instead of always looking for the next thing to take a picture of. One morning I wondered if my favorite tree will bloom as I don't remember it blooming last year when I moved here, but then, I was so in survival mode that I was rarely brave enough to be outside anymore than I had to because I didn't feel safe. (Now after a whole year of finally being in a safe place I feel safe enough to go outside when I know for the most part that I won't be disturbed and can just enjoy nature.) When I was sitting there I noticed that the branches were lowered than usual from the weight of water from rain the night before so when I got up I checked out the branches I could now reach. To my delight I saw buds! The tree will bloom and I can't wait! I saw potential for some unique photos so I brought my camera outside and spent the next little while delightedly taking some pretty photos of water drops on leaves and buds. Here is one of them:
Right now I have a quilt in the frame. My last one! I've made enough in my lifetime and it's now time to move on to other pursuits.
In the clearing of clutter I've been using up bits and pieces of fabrics leftover from my quilts and other projects to make pillow cases for my bed and sofa pillows to match with my quilts.
I have some that I will use to make myself a pajama set. I've only ever had one in my life, given to me several years ago by my last pastor's wife. Another piece of fabric will be made into a cover for my lyre harp to protect it from dust and dirt. It feels so good to be clearing out stuff that I don't know if I'll ever use. And in between these "active" projects I've also been working on clearing up online clutter such as a financial literacy course I started when I was still at the shelter.
It feels so much better in here as well. More spacious. More clear. More free. Most fascinating is that it has made my inner world feel more cleaned up and spacious too.
What a life this has been! I do hope things will keep getting better. I mean I'm healing a lot but there's a few other areas that I haven't yet figured out yet how to get better. Having lost so many "friends" over the years and the scars of my past make relationship building extremely difficult. My life has been so different that most of the time I don't even know what to say. Not having transportation makes it even harder. Then there's the financial part I've been trying to tackle without much result but last week someone bought 2 puzzles with some of my pretty photos on and it made me so happy! It makes me so happy when others can see the beauty that I see!
Anyway, I could probably share more but it's bedtime and this is getting long. I hope you enjoyed a little glimpse into the ups and downs of my life lately. Thank you for reading! It means a lot to me! And... if you want to bless me there are several ways: buying some of my beautiful products with my photos, donating through my website, buying a subscription or course, etc. There are a few more courses in the making as well, so if you're interested please subscribe to my email list! Every little bit is greatly appreciated!
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