Getting Back Into My Body
- Sparkling Diamond
- May 25
- 10 min read
No, I didn't actually leave my body. But my focus did... The last several weeks I've been consumed with clearing out clutter and things of the past that no longer serve me. My friend also needed me to bring her home from the hospital after surgery so that took up another day. As well as finishing up and clearing out online clutter. Then I had a consultation at an oral surgeon and had to get a driver because I don't have a vehicle currently only to have it cost 3x more than I totally expected which sure didn't help my nervous system at all! Now I'm down to just a few projects and all of a sudden I feel like I have room to breathe. My space feels much more spacious and it's amazing how much it helps my inner world to feel uncluttered! In fact, I was beginning to feel like I have nothing really to do which of course isn't true. I just have a lot less projects...
Some of the events the past week didn't help either...I was trying to find someone to drive me to my appointment from a list of people an Amish lady gave me. The third person said they could take me. A little later the second person I had called, called back. I had just gotten a notification from the doctor's office so I automatically thought that was who it was and answered which I generally don't when I don't know who it is. It totally took me off guard when I started getting rapid-fire questions and the next thing I knew she was asking all kinds of personal questions, just like nosy Mennonites are prone to do. From the name I had expected as much because, well, I grew up in that sort of culture, but I was not prepared for this at all. After more than 40 minutes of triggering questions, she finally got to her destination and had to get off the phone, but it left me totally disregulated and not sure what had actually happened. On top of that she seemed to be trying to convince me that the Bible was true and seemed to be convinced that I left Christianity because I had been hurt so bad by religious people even though I tried to tell her that it was because I asked hard questions that the Bible couldn't stand up to. Looking back now, it literally felt like she was draining all my energy (my story) and I couldn't figure out how to stop her. I mean, like what was she going to do with all the information she dug out of me? From experience, I know such stuff doesn't usually stay with one person but gets spread around in gossip and for once I was grateful I hadn't exactly told her where I lived and neither do I know anybody that might know her or be connected to her. Mennonite gossip fingers are very long reaching in case you don't know. Count yourself lucky if you have never experienced the damaging effects of gossip.
The next day was my oral surgeon consultation. I was not feeling well because I was still trying to recover from being so badly triggered the day before. The surgeon himself implied that I was making a bigger deal than necessary with this tooth but I know if I don't get it out soon it's going to kill me. It has already destroyed my ability to take care of myself financially. I felt very gaslit by him but I had waited so long already I might as well follow through with it. I wanted anesthesia because it had been bad enough getting the root canal done and I can only imagine how much worse it will be to get it pulled with it being infected. He seemed to think it's not necessary. Now I'm at the mercy of the insurance company...by the time I got out of there I was so exhausted and just wished I was at home in my bed instead of an hour away. I was dreading the cost of the trip but I was floored speechless when I was told how much. Suffice to say, the next several days were rough...
I tried to get back to normal finishing up projects and clearing clutter. A day or two later after the trash guy went for the week I got back to filling up the trash can again. There were still a few corners I wanted to clean up. One corner held the pieces to my first dollhouse that I had started building for my inner child about 3 years ago after I had started working with the IFS (Internal Family Systems) modality. I considered keeping it but I realized that I don't see myself putting it together anytime soon plus the wood I used wasn't really strong enough. And...when I was at the shelter I had found two dollhouses one of which is now almost completely remodeled. (Under the miniature category you will find projects I did for the original and the current dollhouse. If you go back 3 years or so you might find some pictures of the original one and how I was intending to make it.) Having made this decision I started breaking up the sides that I had spent so much time cutting out holes for windows and doors so I could fit it in the trash but what I was not prepared for was the grief that washed over me like an ocean wave. It almost incapacitated me for a bit. I sat down and went through an inner child reiki healing which helped me release a bit of grief but no where all of it. I felt like I had betrayed my inner child. It also brought to the surface a lot of memories and emotions of the time when I had been working on it. The reiki helped enough to get me to a place where I could think a bit better and I apologized to my inner child and explained all the reasons why I chose to trash it. There were a few things I had clearly envisioned with her help so since I still have a dollhouse to remodel that I haven't started on yet I told her that perhaps we can make that one work instead because it's sturdier so we sat down on the floor in front of it and discussed how we might incorporate the ideas for the original one into this one. She seemed to feel better about the ideas we came up with.
Yesterday I spent nearly the whole day putting up a new product line in my store and by the end I was so frustrated with my old slow laptop that I was really close to pounding it, or the table, like my dad would have done. I refrained because I don't want to be like my dad and second, it wouldn't have helped anything. I knew I was tired and out of sorts from the residual effects of the triggers earlier in the week.
Eventually I put my laptop away and found something more relaxing to do. At one point I realized that I don't even know how to be in my body anymore as I have been so focused on projects lately that I haven't really been listening to my body, hence why it felt like I needed to get back into my body. Before I went to bed I did my usual reiki practice on myself and realizing how much anger I'd felt and how my inner child has had no attention for a pretty long while. I also felt like the anger I was feeling was just a shield to keep me from feeling all the grief, pain, and loneliness not only from my current situation but also from my inner very vulnerable hurting parts. I set my intention for reiki to heal the anger that I'd been feeling so I can feel and sleep better. When I got to my throat chakra, tears came out of nowhere and my cries sounded like a very young child which was a bit disconcerting but I knew whatever was behind the tears and cries was being released and healed. And yes, I slept amazing!
I felt more like myself this morning but lately I've been thinking about all the sexual abuse I went through as a really small child (before 7) and how I keep reading from multiple sources how powerful our bodies are, how much wisdom we carry in our body, and how our bodies can heal themselves. I'm naturally a very curious person and energy, sacred geometry and the power of vibration is extremely fascinating to me so this morning I had the predominant curiosity whether I can find information on whether there is a possibility of healing the damage of sexual abuse energetically. I was surprised at how much I found but I was caught on this article and downloaded her free book. The next thing I knew I found myself preparing myself to do the exercises. After all, I had nothing specific planned for the day and if nothing else happened at least I might come away feeling a bit more grounded.
I gathered my stuff together in preparation for creating a space where I feel safe enough to get into my body and let painful things surface without feeling unsafe. I locked my kitchen door, pulled down the blind on my living room window so the birds at the feeder don't disturb me, lit candles and soft lights, and gathered my dolls around because they all personify different parts of my life.
I downloaded the audio files to make it a bit easier to focus on the meditations and exercises. I briefly skimmed through the ebook to get an idea on what I was getting myself into. When I started on the preparation grounding exercise I found myself terrified but I knew it was just because I was stepping into the unknown and potentially deep healing. After I had everything ready and started on the first one where you build a bubble of light around you to help you feel safe and protected I realized that I had set my dolls up perfectly to the idea of a bubble of protection without realizing that that's what I was doing subconsciously. It really did help me feel safer than I would have without them.
It was enjoyable and nothing too deep for the first three but the fourth one was big. First you picked a memory of something that made you angry, stripped away the memory and sat with the emotion, noting where you felt it in your body then going beneath the anger to the force below it. I'm used to noticing where I feel emotions in my body from working with IFS but going beneath the anger to the energy below it was new. I think I felt more fear than anger but I still felt it. Next was a recent memory that had fear and doing the same process with fear. For this one I felt the fear like a wave and I cried but the audio kept me grounded and it actually seemed to release the fear. Then I needed to think of a time when I was angry for someone else, like seeing someone else be taken advantage of. Now I had to consider the differences and similarities between being angry for being hurt myself and watching others be hurt and then go below the anger to the energy below it. It turned out that both forms of anger for me stemmed out from the desire to protect against harm. The same with fear, when was I scared for someone else, take away the memory and go below the fear to the root energy. It turned out to be compassion. Then there was a process for incorporating these now positive qualities into my being. The process of going below "negative" emotions to the raw energy below it was a new one for me but it also felt very powerful and empowering as well...
The next practice was cutting energy lines. I didn't know what to expect and I was a bit scared of what memories might surface. First I needed to make a list of people I don't want in my life, who have been harmful to me. Second I made a list of people I still wanted in my life but perhaps our energetic connection could use a bit of cleaning up. Next I sat in my protective bubble and imagined each person across the room from me outside my bubble with a cord connecting us. The people I didn't want in my life or want to be connected to anymore I used my right hand like a scissors and imagined cutting the cord between me and the other person. Not surprisingly, at the top of my list was my abusive employer who basically destroyed me.
Just imagining him standing across the room from me was a bit rough but cutting the cord? That brought an unexpected rush of crying.
The freedom I felt afterwards though was pretty substantial and enabled me to follow through with his wife and then my parents as well as a few other people in the recent past who have caused me untold harm that I haven't yet been able to really process in therapy. For the people who I didn't want to cut contact with I imagined them also standing across the room with a cord connecting us. Instead of cutting the cord, I imagined a bright light starting in the center and then, like fire runs along the edge of something, that light burned the darkness off the cord until it became a beautiful golden cord connecting us. To finish I imagined a door at my navel where the cord connected us and I closed that door because I have a choice on whether I want to have an energetic connection with that person. Sometimes I just need to revel in my own unique energy.
The rest of the practices where about moving forward by aligning your chakras and grounding etc. The fourth and fifth ones were the most powerful for me emotionally but I honestly enjoyed them all. It's definitely helped me feel better and I really do feel as though some deep healing occurred on a cellular and energetic level just like I was hoping it would. In my opinion it has the potential to be very powerful. I had to occasionally get up and walk around and get a drink because I was moving a lot of energy with the meditations and mindfulness and sometimes I needed to take a little break. It was also a bit hard to sit on the floor for so long, it probably took me 5-6 hours to get through the whole process. Of course, it will be different for everyone and depending on your memories and emotions you may have to take it slower. I do think it was almost too fast for me but it was definitely a positive experience and helps a lot if you are a visual person as there is a lot of visualization.
Take back your power and become authentically you! If this is what you're trying to do on your journey I encourage you to give it a try. I don't think that anyone would regret at least trying it... At the least you might come away with a beautiful meditation practice like I have. I can't wait to try it on its own...
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