Embracing The Journey
- Sparkling Diamond
- Sep 11
- 15 min read
Here's a few little things that happened in the last week...
One time I went outside I noticed that a pine branch had been broken off the neighbor's pine tree and was just laying in the yard a little bit away from the tree. It had been windy but usually there would be dead branches that fall, not fresh ones, and this one had fresh needles on it. The next day or so I noticed a branch just randomly broken off of another tree, green leaves and all, and appears to be several yards long. I don't think it was the wind and I don't think it was the neighbor because he doesn't do things like that. He just mows his yard and that's it. He doesn't weedeat or trim around his house or shed which makes it look unkept and the birds aand animals love it. Which is why I don't think it was the neighbor but it's out of ordinary.
A day or two later I was sitting at my kitchen table eating and from the ceiling fan above me a large "cricket" jumped down on the door frame across from me. It scared me at first because I don't remember ever seeing such a big one before. His body was at least 2-3 inches long and his antennas were at least 3-4 inches long. After I got over my fright, I said hi to him in my mind and he crawled around the edge of the door frame and I haven't seen him since. All the time I was trying to figure out how in the world he got inside given his size as it's been chilly and I haven't had the windows open. It was a bit unusual.
As I mentioned in my last public blog post, I realized that I had a deep father wound that I had that needs to be healed and that I was going to see what I could find to help me heal... At first I was disappointed because I only seemed to find Christian stuff on the subject and I now know that Christian and religious based healing modalities do not take me as deep as I want to heal but seems to be more superficial or surface-level and sometimes even made it worse or retraumatized mein the past in some aspects. After digging a bit I came across a few videos; one was a sound frequency type healing and the other one was a meditation. As I listened to the voice frequency healing I found it interesting how as the person focused on healing each chakra or area of the body and sang I literally felt the vibration of the sound in that part of my body. There was also spirit assistance so I felt that the healing went even deeper. When it was finished I felt deeply relaxed but also like I had gone through a very deep and thorough healing session.
The second video was a meditation for healing core wounds which I applied to my father wound of being sexually abused by my dad when I was still in diapers. I was a bit worried about being retraumatized but about the time when the fear was getting quite strong I began to feel energy quite strongly on my back and I felt like I could sense a being on either side of me and that they were literally carrying me through this healing so I don't get overwhelmed with the trauma I had felt in the memory I was trying to heal. I don't remember ever before feeling so clearly being carried during a healing session and not alone. It was really powerful and even more so than the sound frequency healing video I had listened to before. It left me feeling almost like I went through an operation or something; like some huge work had been done so now I am giving myself some time to integrate all that happened before I try to go into even deeper healing.
Perhaps someone is wondering why I seek out this kind of healing and I will explain...the more I learn about how we are much more than our physical body and realizing that talk therapy and some other modalities that I've tried only seem to go to a certain depth and I feel like the healing has not been completed it has sent me on a search to go deeper. This is where I get deeper into frequency and energetic healing. Several months ago I took a few courses to become a reiki master and practiced on myself as I have no one else to really practice on and it took me into a deeper level of healing than I dreamed possible along with insights into some of the things I'd had to deal with in the past. It made me hungry for more. Because I am still dealing with the devastating effects of sexual abuse stemming from my early childhood I wanted to find a way to heal deeper and found an energetic healing for sexual abuse and trauma(link can be found on the resources page) and it helped heal more than I ever dreamed possible, especially employer abuse from a number of years ago that was still too painful to really tackle in therapy sessions. That blew my mind and now I find myself seeking out frequency and energetic modalities whenever something comes up that I want to heal and it keeps taking me deeper and deeper into healing the layers that I think are now beyond most current day therapy modalities. That's just my perspective and experience. I also feel like it is helping me to take back my power and heal the way that feels right to me instead of outsourcing my healing and giving away my power to others. I am becoming more and more convinced that we each have the power to heal ourselves by following our intuition but then again that's easier now than it's ever been with all the information and freebies on the web even though I do admit that there are times that I wish that I would have the funds available to try more different and personalized things rather than digging for stuff online...
...and when you are still stuck in the victim/ survivor mindset you won't be able to see your own power and abilities because all you can see is how you have been hurt and damaged. There is nothing wrong with it if you find yourself in that stage. Just don't stay there.
Find every way possible to heal while still being kind to yourself. It's a bit too easy to beat ourselves up after a life of being beat up by others. Most importantly, we need to learn to love ourselves so we can heal.
I went to the woods again the other day(Monday). I didn't go on Sunday out of fear because of the blood moon and supposedly chaotic energies that could potentially hinder projects or events. Just as I was ready to leave I got a text from the property manager asking when I'm going to pay the rest of my rent. I replied that I will when I have the funds and right now I don't know when that will be. It triggered a lot of fear and anxiety because I really don't know what else to do right now and found myself in tears when I got to the parking lot. I sat at the picnic table because I didn't feel like the forest deserved my negative emotional energies. Thankfully no human was around to see my tears and after a few minutes of not being sure what to do I decided to telepathically ask the forest beings if I'm welcome, explaining that the forest doesn't deserve my negative energies. Instantly I felt wrapped up in a warm energetic embrace and when I asked again I felt it again as though in assurance. It really felt as though my presence had been expected and anticipated and that whoever they were was excited to have me visit. It made me feel better because I felt welcomed and loved and my arrival anticipated. As I walked into the woods I felt myself wrapped up in the peace and beauty and was grateful that no birds or animals started scolding me for it is their home and I don't want to bring negative energies into their home. It might almost be like someone with negative intentions coming into my home and I wouldn't like that.
The part I like to go to is about a half mile to a mile around the lake and when I came out of the first part of the forest I noticed 3 pieces of trash strewn down over the bank. I felt displeased towards whoever did it and as I went to pick it up I saw that a large branch was freshly broken off of a tree in front of me and the thought crossed my mind that perhaps the Sasquatch did it to make sure I see the broken branch. If that was the reason I am ok with picking up trash. But I don't know for sure because I haven't seen any Sasquatch...and so I doubt myself. This break is roughly 10-14 feet above the ground. (All the structures I see seem to be really old ones so it causes me to doubt myself even more but I have no idea how to otherwise explain the energetic presence I feel every time I come to this place which makes me think it is Sasquatch or some nature being that is trying to help pave the way for a relationship with them. It's only ever been loving and kind to me and helps me feel safe.)
I kept on walking around the lake and it was so beautiful. I felt like someone was eager to enjoy my presence and so I walked a bit faster than I normally do. At one point a man passed me on a bike and I noticed he had a long handled branch trimmers in his backpack. I thought that was rather interesting but when I entered my favorite part of the trail I heard the clippers being used but I couldn't see through the underbrush. When I got to where I wanted to go off the trail I noticed a chipmunk scolding away but I didn't see anything and thought I might be ok and not seen. I stepped a few yards off the trail when a branch just randomly fell down next to me(there was no wind at all) and at about the same time I saw the man clipping branches and realized I would be seen if I entered. So I stepped back on the trail and stood there for a few minutes not sure what I wanted to do. As I was standing there I heard rustling in the dry leaves less than a yard away and realized that there was probably a mouse under the leaves because I couldn't see it. I continued walking down the trail to another part of the woods where I could go off trail and wouldn't be seen by that man. I walked a ways off trail and found myself a fallen log to sit on where I would mostly be hidden from sight from trail goers to do my reiki energy work that I do every morning.
At one point I saw 4 deer pass in front of me but they didn't see me which made me happy as I didn't want to scare them. I thought they were gone when I heard sticks cracking and realized that somehow they had become aware of my presence and came to check me out.
As I sat there I watched them walk around me, scared that they will be scared of me and a little anxious for my safety if they come too close. They didn't snort but walked half a circle around me, checking me out, so moving slowly I tried to send them some energy too. The first deer seemed to become less worried about me and dropped her head and started feeding as they walked back in the direction they had come from. I was rather awed because they came about within 10-15 yards, quite close, and seemed to think I wasn't a threat. After I was done I got up and started walking they were a bit alarmed but they seemed to realize I wasn't dangerous and just stood there and watched me walk away.
I slowly made my way over to the place I actually wanted to go in the first place and the man was gone so I didn't have to worry about being seen by him. I just sat there on the log next to the structure and enjoyed the peace and stillness. I also did some of the Sasquatch message consciousness technologies to help me relax even deeper into the healing energies of the forest and being one with all the creatures and beings of nature.
As I was getting mentally ready to leave, I softly thanked the being(s) who keep(s) meeting me in this part of the forest for welcoming me and helping me feel safe and loved and cared for. My gratitude flowed out of my heart and tears flowed down my cheeks. More gratitude and tears flowed when I happened to check my email and see that someone had sent me some unexpected money. I felt an energetic hug as I thanked whoever it is that I keep meeting in this space. I talk to them now and then in my thoughts and I had gone with no agenda or expectations and so on the way out I told them that if they had anything they wanted me to see to guide me to it. Around that time I also noticed a big X off a ways next to the bike trail and decided to check it out because it looked too big to be manmade.
I made my way over to it and felt in awe of the bigness. I didn't want to stay long as it was right next to the bike trail.
I think it's old and somewhat tumbling down but as I stepped inside to get a photo of some mushrooms I felt grandness, like I was inside a grand building. It reminded me of Andrea Stinnet's video called A Cathedral in the Forest. I wanted to stay longer but I heard some bikers coming so I stepped a few yards away behind some tree trunks. They were quite loud but as I had assumed earlier, they never saw me because they had their eyes on the trail. It would have probably startled them if they had looked to the side and seen me as I was only a few yards away half hidden behind a tree trunk.
I made my way back to my vehicle enjoying the beautiful weather. There were some geese crossing the lake and the sky had big fluffy clouds and it made me want to just lay in the grass and enjoy the beauty.
The rest of the day didn't go very well as I was trying to figure out just what to do next about income. I keep filling out applications but get no responses which then makes me start to worry that I'm done for (not going to be able to get a job) because of my inability to work since February due to not having a vehicle and being sick as well as not having very many references or community. Hopelessness and discouragement hung like a thick cloud over my head. I started wondering if I had the ability (and no fear)what would I really like to do? As I tried to answer that question (which was triggered by some emails I got because I downloaded someone's free ebook on the subject) and I began to get an even deeper picture of how much fear is tangled throughout my whole life because of the experiences I've had to endure at the hand of cruel and unkind people. In a way I'm actually jealous of the animals who roam freely throughout the forest.
Then I saw a comment on a video of a religious person saying that reiki is of the devil and how she knows of several people personally who have renounced it. This only added to the mess of wondering what is even true. So many religions are fear based and I scratch my head, wondering how people cannot see it. Once upon a time, I was there and I understand how blind one can be with all the cognitive dissonance that goes with it. And this commenter was coming from a fear based place but couldn't see it, judging and criticizing what they didn't understand. Reiki has been very helpful in helping me heal on a much deeper level than I dreamed possible.
I barely slept that night as well as I couldn't seem to keep my mind from churning with fear based and desperate questions mostly pertaining to my financial situation but also about the being(s) that I keep meeting in the woods. What would I do if I had no fear? What will I do if I can't find a job? How soon will I get kicked out of I can't pay my rent? How soon will my electric get turned off if I can't pay for it, especially now that we are heading towards winter with my heat being electric? How in the world can I get past all the fear? Who is the being that I keep meeting in the woods? Will I ever know who they are? How do I trust that I'm going to be taken care of? How do I go with the flow when I'm so worried? How do I find the balance between just trusting or trying to control the outcome? I just mention the questions so others know they aren't alone in case they feel alone in a similar situation.
I don't know what will happen. I guess I just need to accept that I can't pay my rent and I can't find a job instead of trying to fight that reality. I know I'm doing the best I can but it's hard to not be afraid of being judged and criticized and worried about being snowballed by people giving me their ideas of what they think I should do. It's overwhelming so as it is trying to figure out how to go forward and finding something that aligns with who I am. After 15+ years of working jobs I have a pretty good idea of what I am able to do as well as enjoy. And the last thing I want again is a job that doesn't "fit" me. I am not a robot. I have needs and preferences. And I am really tired of being asked to do things as though I was a servant and have no right to take care of my human being.
Accepting feels like I'm giving up. Surrender feels like death. I know trying harder isn't the answer because I have tried that in the past. So what is the answer?
I am reminded of the one question in the consciousness technologies of the Sasquatch Message to Humanity:
Do you choose to end ignorance of the TRUTH and end unhealthy denial 100% so you can unleash your full power?
I've been fighting it. I've been trying to do everything in my power to try to go forward to no avail and in essence control the outcome so I don't have to end up homeless. I may be making progress in healing myself but I'm not sure I'm doing very well in anything else. More healing, YAY!(Sarcasm)
Nights have been rough but I hear a lot of people talking about energy and consciousness shifts so maybe that's part of the problem.
If we really have chosen to undergo the things we are dealing with in this life then what good will it do to fight it? I listened to a few videos yesterday and felt very much like it is time to stop fighting and accept/embrace the journey whether I like it or not. If I'm going through this poverty season to learn some lessons, perhaps such as trusting that I will be taken care of, then no amount of fighting and striving to change the situation will help anything and only harm me in the long run until I learn the lesson. I will do my best to rest in the fact that I have and am doing my best and regardless of what others may think, say, or do to me because of my situation. I need to accept that I have done my best. I have been looking for a job for over a month now and have nothing to show for it so now I have become that "bad" person that can't pay their rent. I say bad because I feel like there is a stigma attached to people not being able to pay their bills and yet have nice things (even though it's slowly dwindling away as I sell a lot of it or try to).
Yesterday morning when I went on Facebook the first post in my feed totally made my day. I had been wondering for a while if there were any there.
I then went out to a different park on the edge of town and had a beautiful time. Once again beautiful deer came near. One seemed to be a mother of triplets and the second one seemed to be a mother of twins. It was beautiful.
From an item that sold on eBay and the gift that was sent to me on Monday I was able to pay $70 more towards more my rent only to get a text this morning saying that the landlord is requiring them to post a 3 day notice on my door. What I'm going to do I don't know except to try to embrace the journey. Perhaps this has been planned since before I was born to learn to trust that I will be taken care of. I don't want to fight it anymore even though I'm terrified of what will happen. If I end up living in my car then I do, but I want to be willing to learn the lesson that I'm supposed to learn. I don't have to like the experience but it's not going to help if I fight it and try to control the outcome to avoid pain. (I'm not big on channeled messages but I came across this lady and I found some very powerful insights in the few videos I have watched so far. This video helped me with the acceptance part even though I was already thinking about it and this one had some very powerful insights into how we need to be willing to be seen and love ourselves. A paraphrased quote from her:)
It is in the willingness to be seen that community begins. ~Anne Tucker
I plan to spend the next few days trying to balance my deep healing and emotional work this week with some lighter physical stuff like canning and drying food and maybe working on my dollhouse. This weekend is also the pow wow that I am excited to attend as well as spend some time hiking. We shall see what happens. I am quite excited though receiving a 3 day notice because of my unpaid rent has dimmed my excitement and made me wonder if I even should give myself this gift and experience. I have been planning for this for over a month now so I think I will continue as planned and embrace the journey whether I like it or not...and I will update you in the next blog post...
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