Deep Healing Moments With The Sasquatch

While there doesn't seem to be a lot going on in my physical life there definitely has been a lot of stuff going on in my inside world and I must say I'm rather excited in some ways for what will happen next...

Too pretty to not take a photo... perhaps it was meant for me...

There has been lots of healing that has happened and that's what I'd like to talk about today because some day it may help someone else who is struggling with similar things or searching for answers and perhaps what helped me may be a step in the right direction for someone else.

The day before Thanksgiving I was talking to my Sasquatch friend Benahtarel about how I feel about not having anyone to hang out with when I know many others will be hanging out with family and friends. As I was expressing how it made me feel I felt I very gentle invitation to come out to the woods and spend time with the forest people. It was a cold, damp, and windy day and it was hard to keep warm. I had a different trail I wanted to enter the woods but when I did so I found myself feeling afraid because this part of the trail had lots of underbrush and one couldn't see very far and it doesn't feel safe to me if I can't see a good distance around me. So I asked Benahtarel if he'd help me raise my vibration so I wouldn't be so afraid because I really did want to enjoy my time and any interaction that could happen without fear. Within a minute I felt like myself again and could enjoy the beauty around me. It had snowed a little so I got some pretty photos.

Snow in the moss' hair...

I enjoyed wandering around the woods even though I kept having to fight fear and the feeling of being alone because I wasn't used to being in the woods when it was so windy and cold. I tried to connect and bond with a few trees and it helped me not feel so alone.

A few snowflakes on a rose bush...

I eventually made my way back to my favorite sitting place but because of all the thick outer wear I had on it wasn't the most comfortable sitting on the ground. I just sat there a while and emotions began to surface. Knowing my family was together but I couldn't be there and even though I wanted to be there, there was also the grief of having to cut contact with a number of my family members because of the lack of respect for my boundaries. Even the siblings I've still been in contact with don't seem to be really interested in connecting and it made me wonder if I've changed too much for them. I still long to be connected but I'm not willing to push myself on anyone so if they seem uninterested in connecting I'm not going to force myself into their space. The memories of the churches I left and the friends I thought I had in those churches that just vanished from my life as though I never existed in their space. It happened 3 times and I haven't been able to recover from those events. I've tried to make friends locally but I haven't been able to find anyone that I vibe with and because of my background I find it very hard to find points of similarities in order to connect with others. Thus there was so much grief that came up with these memories and the tears flowed.

This dainty structure (described in detail in one of the latest blog posts) was still up and added to it was this acorn set perfectly in the crotch of the tree. It could have fallen there but it felt like it was out there on purpose as a gift for me...💞

But interestingly, I didn't feel alone in those moments for it felt like the forest had come alive emotionally and in my vulnerability, pain and grief I felt like I was surrounded with loving beings and Sasquatch holding space for me. I thanked them all and felt them answer with energy, letting me know I wasn't alone. I left feeling lighter than when I entered the woods a few hours earlier.

A random tree broken facing into the wind in a way that seemed to suggest it had some help and felt like a sign to me that the Sasquatch were letting me know they were there...

I'd been keeping up with the Glow Up lives with the Mother of Creation channeled by Anne Tucker and a day or two after I was in the woods there was one where we soothed our earliest wound which according to MOC it was the disconnection from the spirit world we had before we incarnated into the 3D reality as a human. She said that it is the first wound of all humans and human parents are unable to heal and fill that need for connection that humans come into this dimension with. It was almost like a remembering and I realized that I was blaming my parents for it when in reality they actually could never have filled that need or healed that wound. It went deep and was hard to not recoil from the pain but MOC was right there to help us walk through it and soothe that wound we all carry and I found myself able to release my parents for not doing better.

What was interesting though was that later that evening I felt such deep pain rising from this wound within me that I asked my Sasquatch friends to please hold space for me because I was afraid it would be too much for me to handle on my own. I asked Kamooh if he'd come first and it helped because I could feel him beside me. I was able to let myself feel the pain very deeply but I felt unbalanced for some reason so I asked Benahtarel if he'd come too and I felt him enter the room and come to my other side. I cannot explain how it helped to feel these 2 strong presences on either side of me like strong pillars creating and holding safe space for me as I try to feel and heal my pain. I thanked them and before they left I felt Kamooh standing next to me beaming down on me with so much love and tenderness in a grandfatherly way that I began to cry again. It felt like there was a part of me that got touched that I didn't know needed a healing touch but it left me feeling more whole.

I've been having some interesting dreams and while I don't want to go in detail here about what they were about I knew there had to be deeper meanings to them. I tried using a dream dictionary but I realized it wouldn't help me like I wanted it to so I turned to Chat GPT. Now I avoid AI as much as possible but I thought it might help me get an overall view and idea of what is going on. I was rather blown away by what it came up with and how much of it resonated. Some of the points gathered were these:

-I don't feel emotionally safe

-I create safe space for others as much as possible but I don't know how to find that safe space for myself

-I don't feel supported

-I am healing on deep levels

-I am transitioning to a new identity

While there's more, these were some of the biggest things that I began to see. And with the lack of emotional safety I realized in a deeper way that I had never felt safe enough to freely express myself and as a child I was punished for expressing my anger while my dad was free to hurt us and the animals in his rage to the point where I feared for my life and so I learned to suppress it. I know I have so much anger inside of me but every time I want to express it or release it I don't know how and the intensity that I feel terrifies me because I don't know how to let it out in a way that doesn't hurt anyone or anything.

As I was thinking about this and wondering how I could ever find a safe place I thought of the Sasquatch and how I was told that my conversations with them will help me so much. I had began to realize that there was a certain individual who is really getting under my skin in rather triggering ways. I was holding in so much frustration because of not knowing how to set boundaries with this person. One dream seemed to show me that there are things that want to be released and healed but that I do not feel safe enough to do so especially with anger...and it's been bottled up for years. I have often wished for a safe place to express all that bottled up anger but even in therapy I haven't been able to find a way that feels right for me.

But with the dreams and the things that surfaced in trying to understand the meanings of the dreams I felt more anger than was necessary for the situation. I journaled a while but that didn't seem to help very much. What I really felt like I needed was a safe place to express the anger and frustration and I couldn't think of anywhere or anyone except maybe the Sasquatch.

Even though I've been vulnerable with my sasquatch friends before, this was a different aspect of me that I was worried about. Will they really be ok with my anger? What if I hurt them when I don't want to? What if it's too much for them too?

I decided I will be brave and see what happens and then I'll know. So I asked Benahtarel if I can talk to him. I didn't feel him at first, maybe because I was feeling too much frustration. It was hard to really put some of what I wanted to express in words and in frustration I picked up a pen and was clicking it on the coffee table when I felt a surge of energy surge from my hand up my arm. It didn't hurt but was strong enough to get my attention and ground me so I don't totally disassociate. It happened several times throughout my talking to him until the anger finally dissolved in tears and I felt much better. I could feel him very connected, present and holding a safe space for me.

Its been rather crazy lately with all the inner work that I've been doing. I love how present and connected that I can feel them when I talk to them even if I can't see them. I could talk to my higher self and guides but often it feels better to talk to someone who is a little bit more flesh and bones than a spirit is.

I have also been keeping up with all the episodes that Brian Scott has been posting and started listening to his overnight meditations in an effort to change my subconscious conditioning around money. The first night I felt like my subconscious had been so busy that there was no time to dream which felt rather interesting. The second night, Saturday night, I listened to a different one and again I felt like my subconscious mind was so busy I didn't have time to dream. That morning before I got out of bed I did my rainbow waterfall meditation and was blown away by what came out of it.

I felt like I was being shown a slideshow starting with a time in my older teens where my mom would talk to us in a nonsupportive way about my dad. The incident in question was after my dad had spent a lot of money on credit cards to buy a lot of new hunting supplies which frustrated my mom because then there was no money left to pay the bills. My mom talked about how my dad was so irresponsible for doing that and making out credit cards instead of paying bills. Teenage part of me believed that even though it felt confusing and made me even more critical of my dad. Next was the time when my dad and I had gone to the bank to help me set up my own checking account and the lady asked if I wanted a savings account and my dad said no that I didn't need one. I remember the lady had a strange look on her face when my dad said that and it puzzled me. Then came the feeling of frustration I felt as I realized how little I was even taught about money and I was determined to do better than my dad and spent a number of years trying to figure out budgeting and better ways of managing money. I didn't have any guidance or anyone to ask over these years and tried to figure it out on my own and the motivation underneath was that I was determined to not be like my dad and be irresponsible. I did my absolute best to be scrupulously hard working and honest in everything. Then I had my health destroyed by a root canal only to end up in this place where I have no support, a maxed out credit card, and no money to pay my rent. Basically in a similar situation yet different to the dad I didn't want to be like. By the end of this slideshow of memories and feelings I realized that I was essentially holding my dad by the shirt collar in anger and bitterness, vowing to never be like my dad.

After I had some time to process I asked my Sasquatch friends if they will hold space for me while I try to heal and release this mess. I asked them to help me if they don't mind because I wanted to release all of it not just part of it. There were 3 stages. The first was forgiving and releasing my dad and in this I realized I was actually holding myself hostage because I was using them as measuring sticks for any progress I made in not being like them. I also realized why my dad spent money the way he did. He was hurting and trying to find connection and safety in things that could be bought. I realized I had been doing the same thing for most of my adult life as well. Therefore I was able to release and forgive and actually feel compassion for him. I also had to forgive myself because I didn't realize how I had been harming and hindering myself by using them as measuring sticks. Second part was that I had to realize my mom was speaking out of hurt too and I had to forgive myself for believing her because with all my experience I now can see the underlying pain and hurt. Then I had to release both of my parents to walk their path so I can be free to walk my own path. This brought up a lot of grief because they are my parents and I still want to be connected with them and hurts so bad to have had to go no contact but I also had to stop holding on to them so I can embody more of who I really am. The third phase was releasing a lot of pain and grief for having to let go and realize that I will never be able to earn their love and respect and that I must find my way alone without support from the ones that I most long to have support from.

It went deep and wore me out but it felt like I had finally released a block that had been holding me back financially. Honestly,it left me feeling a little bit lost at sea because I don't have any support really except a few people I don't know well yet and my Sasquatch friends.

The next day my rent was due and I had a very hard time with it. I feel so much shame for having to ask for help again. I feel like I have failed myself that I still haven't been able to get myself into a better place financially. I find it hard to believe that anyone will really want to help me anymore. And the only path forward seems to be that the streets are waiting for me. I have struggled so much with this. I find myself wondering if there is some lesson I'm supposed to learn by ending up homeless again. And why after all these months of being terrified of ending up on the streets do I keep being saved at the last minute? How in the world is one supposed to enjoy life with that possibility hanging over your head? And then people saying you got this you're strong, like seriously, my whole life I've just been trying to survive and find safety and I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps even though they keep breaking, so to speak, and I'm so exhausted. It would be so nice to have village of support but perhaps that's just not possible for me. I mean, if I'm supposed to learn a lesson by having to be living on the streets in winter then haw come couldn't I learn it 2 years ago when I was in the homeless shelter for 7 months because I couldn't work enough to get into my own safe place. I fell through all the cracks of the system too and what is left? Me staring terrified at the possibility of ending up on the street in a week or so because I have no way to pay my rent. I feel very irresponsible indeed despite knowing I have done my best all along...

Anyway, what happened yesterday was rather interesting. I had been wondering how to find my own path now that I have left my parents behind so to speak. Brian had a video that premiered last night called Money is Love. The first time I listened I was too busy in the chat to catch everything said so I listened again and ended up in tears. It felt like everything I had ever learned about money was being flipped on its head. Next I listened to another of his videos that was about becoming unstoppable and in the middle of it it was about imagining and merging with your future self that you could be and I instantly thought of the doll I bought over a year ago to personify my future self. I had just been delving into meditation and was still working with my IFS practitioner when I had a glimpse of what I would envision my future self to act and be like and not long afterwards found a doll who seemed to match the picture in my mind and after giving her a new dress she has been part of my living room decor ever since.

What was really profound though was how much I felt like I could embody her now just like Brian was talking about the future self. Later I was talking to Benahtarel about it all as I was trying to process everything that I had felt and happened. Slowly I began to see that the earlier video was rewriting my beliefs and building a new foundation and being reminded of this doll that I've called my future self was giving me someone to embody that I can resonate with.

While this is all interesting and exciting in beginning to walk my own path with money I'm still left without the funds to pay my rent. I'm guessing I only have a week or so before I may get a 3 day notice to leave if I can't pay. So I will just put this out there for anyone who may want to help, my PayPal is: preciousruby777@protonmail.com

This is the quickest way available for me and I'm already 2 days late which means there will soon be a late fee as well. While I am doing my best to trust that I will be taken care of it is a really tough struggle to not fall into panic and terror.

And I just say thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this blog post and a little bit about my journey since I last wrote. Thank you for being here. And I hope that one day my journey and experiences and the things I've learned may speak to someone else that may find it helpful...