Burying The Root Canal & Taking Back My Life
- Sparkling Diamond
- Jun 29
- 21 min read
It's been a little over a month since I last wrote something...I didn't expect it to go so long but now it's time for a little glimpse into what the last month has been like for me...that is, if you're interested...
Back in 2016 or so, I've had a root canal done to one of my back teeth before I had the resources to research and decide if it really was a good decision. The dentist I was going to at the time was through the work insurance of my abusive employers so I don't think I had to pay much of it. I actually don't remember having trouble with it but the dentist would point at the X-rays and say there's a cavity here or there but at that time I didn't have a voice and therefore no ability to say,"I don't see anything." Because of this I went along thinking that they knew best and apparently I am just too ignorant to know what they are talking about. Now, from what I remember of conversations, I feel that they were just taking advantage of my inability to make decisions for myself.
They made a root canal sound like the perfect solution but little did I know that that action would result in basically destroying the next 9 years of my life.
At first I was glad when the rather traumatic ordeal of getting the root canal done was over but the tooth kept bothering me. At this time I was working 45 hours a week and I remember one day flopping down on a pile of flattened boxes I had emptied and saying how exhausted I am. I believe that this is when the bone weary exhaustion started raising it's ugly head. At the time I was also said to be doing the work of 2 people I worked so fast, meant as a compliment, but the underlying motive was to gain the approval of my employers. I was not yet healed enough to see the red flags, both in myself and the employers I was working for. My counselor said something about it but left me hanging without giving tools or ideas on how to get out of the trap I was falling into with my employers. Also I was unable to continue going due to my driver quitting on me and the love bombing of my employer's wife started and kinda turned me away into gaslighting and spiritual bypassing. They provided what my parents never did and how was I, who wasn't healed enough to catch on, to stop the trajectory my life was on?
Long story short, they ended up "chewing me up and spitting me out" in the name of God and basically destroyed the foundation of everything I thought I had believed and experienced in my quest to please the god of the Bible. (I have written more in detail in other blog posts.) They sold the business and moved out of state,
leaving behind a broken and battered human being who didn't know what to believe anymore about anything I had thought was real.
In an effort to move on with my life I got another job as I also couldn't get accustomed to the new employers and their ways. I wanted to work 40 hours at my new job but I ended up not being able to get that many hours. Then COVID came and laid me off work for 5 weeks from which I was unable to recover. I found a new job, actually an old job that wanted me back so bad that they came looking for me at my workplace to invite me to come back, and on the day I was going to give my 2 week notice, my boss pulled me aside and told me I was getting a $2 raise. It was too late as I hated my job and it was not enough to keep me there.
In the same week I started my new job I also moved, into a bad situation that I didn't see coming, and I tried to get back to working 40 hours but I discovered I just couldn't. I had to drop to 35 hours. After a bit I realized that where I was working would not give me opportunity to grow like I wanted to so I found a new job at a new store that was opening up, and worked 3 days a week which seemed to be what I could do.
As I was trying to heal with therapy, I knew I had to get out of the place I was or I might end up doing something I would regret. I tried working full time at my job, which I loved, but it felt like my body was literally shutting down. I just chalked it up to being caused by the trauma of my abusive employers 2 years prior made worse by the constant triggers and abuse I faced in my living situation. I didn't think to go to the doctor as I had no regular doctor and all I could think about was to find a way to get into my own space.
There was a relatively new friend I had met through abuse survivor advocacy and she said I could move in with her for a few months to rest up and start fresh in another state. A friend was going out of country for 6 weeks and invited me to stay at her house while she's gone for a break from my living situation and I knew that once I get out of there I won't be able to go back.
So I stayed at my friend's house for a few weeks till my sister and husband could help me move to the new place. During this time my body was so shut down I could barely work let alone take care of myself. I still assumed it was because of all the trauma and nothing else. I forgot to mention that about a year and a half after I got the root canal done they redid it but it still nearly constantly bothered me.
The move out of state went well but after a month and half things started going downhill between us. She claimed to be an advocate but she hadn't healed her own stuff and therefore unintentionally hurt others. Online she sounded so caring and compassionate but in person I began to see a lot of jealousy as well as feeling like I was being used to make her feel good and because I didn't flatter her for all the sacrifices and kindnesses she was showing me it seemed to upset her. I tried to work with her the best I could but by now I had healed enough that I could see the red flags. I didn't know what to do because even though I spent most of my time resting I knew I didn't have the energy to work a job. I was given a date to move out and the options mentioned were the salvation army shelter or renting a five bedroom house, both totally unsuitable for my situation and health. I tried to get food stamps to make my savings last a bit longer but I was denied. I tried getting assistance with housing but was told that I can't be helped until I'm homeless. Then someone suggested at least going to the doctor and getting checked out.
I went to the doctor and after hearing some of the story about my situation she got me to talk to the patient advocate who was able to get me on food stamps and Medicaid. They didn't let me go home but took me to the domestic violence shelter. I have written about in other blog posts so I won't bore you with the details if you're already familiar with them but I was there for 7 months and the stay was supposed to be 3 months or less. I had to get a job as part of the requirements and discovered I could only work 12 hours a week and still have energy left to take care of my basic needs. Anything over that made me an emotional wreck that could barely function. I got blood work done and nothing showed up. I got blood work done for Lymes disease because I had had a tick bite and wanted to rule that out. The doctor only wanted to put me on an antidepressant because of my situation, I guess to help me cope better with being constantly triggered at the shelter.
I realized that there was no way I could get into my own space in my situation. The only way out seemed to be to live in my car and eventually die a nobody in the middle of nowhere. I didn't want to go back to the area I had left as I knew too many people and didn't feel safe.
Thanks to the kindness of some people I was able to finally get into my own space a little over a year ago and at this point am still getting assistance with my rent and bills for which I am very grateful as it helps take the load off my shoulders.
In February my car gave out and I couldn't find any kind of help anywhere. My debt to income ratio was to high so I couldn't even get a loan to help get a better car. I had no way to lower my debt because it was all utilities and expenses I couldn't get rid of. I was told I could get help if I was a single mom with kids but that's not who I am so I was turned away again and again. I ended up selling my car which I was told would get junked. It had cost me almost as much in repairs in the four years I've had it as I originally paid for it so I was glad that it was finally getting out of my hair.
But I was also terrified.
I didn't know what the future held. I had to quit my jobs. I had just started a new job for more flexibility with the intention to switch to that once I feel I am making enough income to support myself but even just those extra few hours a week my body couldn't handle. A car was a requirement for transportation and since I didn't know when if ever I'd have a vehicle again so I had to quit that too.
The only thing I could see for my future was living in my current space until I couldn't afford rent and then I'd end up on the streets without even a car for protection. I lost my food stamps because I had no income or the required hours of community service so I haven't been able to get fresh groceries for a while now. Now I'm grateful I didn't follow the shelter worker's suggestion to donate my canned food to the local food pantry. It is now what is keeping me from going hungry. I don't wish this on anyone. I can tell my body isn't getting fresh healthy food.
In February and March my root canal tooth flared up so bad I went to the urgent care and went through 2 rounds of antibiotics. I got to the dentist for the first time in 5 years to get it looked at and he gave me a referral to get the tooth removed. I had to wait over a month till I could get to the oral surgeon and yet another month before I could get it removed. Every day I lived in near constant fear of the pain flaring up and seeing how the antibiotics destroyed my digestive system I dug into natural remedies to see if I could find anything that might help. I found a blog post of one lady using oil of oregano (not essential oil!) to help because it supposedly pulls the bacteria out of the tooth which is what causes the infection.
A few years ago I had seen a post on how bad root canals are on Facebook and so in this waiting time I did some digging. I found:
on https://annas-archive.org/ (a free library where you can download books to read) and realized just how much trouble this tooth has caused me throughout the last 8-9 years. I couldn't wait to get it out of my mouth! A root canal kills the tooth and therefore you have dead tissue in your body and the bacteria and toxins can cause you so many more health issues than you could have ever dreamed possible! I now chalk up the constant bone weary exhaustion and general feeling of unwellness that I've struggled with for years to the root canal. That tooth was dead and was going to kill me if I don't get it out of my mouth soon! I also learned that it can cause referred pain to the shoulders and other parts of the body and 💡 suddenly I realized why the chiropractor could never get my bothersome, often sharp shoulder pain to go away! When I was in the shelter I thought I was starting with fibromyalgia as I ticked all the boxes but now I wonder if it was just another one of those things brought on by this dead tooth in my mouth...
On June 18th that dead tooth finally came out of mouth!!!
I wanted anesthesia because it been rather traumatic to get the root canal done so I expected this procedure to be even worse. I didn't want to be awake for the drama! The oral surgeon wasn't sure they could get it covered but when I got a call about a week before I cried when I found out that insurance covered it and wasn't going to have to be awake. I had been preparing myself to have to endure it without anesthesia in order to get it out of my mouth. The surgery was an hour away so it was stressful realizing that most of my remaining funds would be wiped out with transportation costs since I had no car and couldn't drive with anesthesia but once again kind people came through and shared enough funds to help me pay my bills once again for the month.
Since the day I had gotten my appointment card for the surgery I had started sending reiki energy to my future appointment for several reasons:
that the insurance would cover anesthesia
that there would be less fear and pain than expected
and that everything would work out better than expected
And you know what , every single one of those things were taken care of and everything did indeed work out better than expected.
The first thing was finding out that I'm getting actual surgery.
Second, the driver brought her daughter instead of her husband to help with the driving and so that was more comfortable for me.
Third, the first time we had gotten lost but this time we got there in record time, half an hour early. There had been a cancellation at 10 and I was asked if I can come earlier but with an hours drive it was too early for my driver.
Fourth, when we got there the waiting room was totally empty. The first time it had been quite full and all the noise had been a little too much for me so I was dreading sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes before it was my turn.
Fifth, I was given some paperwork to fill out but before even a few minutes had gone by I was called back to the pre-op.
Sixth, everyone was very kind and reassuring. It seemed like they were waiting for me and were glad to have some work to do.
I was not expecting to be asked to take off my shoes, jacket, and glasses and be put on a bed and wheeled into the surgery room. It felt so weird. I nearly freaked out in the few moments between them stopping the bed in the middle of the operation room and getting their stuff together, but they soon distracted me with their activities. I found it interesting that the male anesthesiologist was very kind. I actually felt safe with him. He was very reassuring when I mentioned I was afraid of getting cold when he asked me take my jacket off.
When I woke up, the nurse was right there to give me icy pops. I think I had a red and blue one.
I was treated with so much respect and kindness that it makes me rate the experience as an A++, totally unexpected.
I was still going in and out of consciousness for I don't know how long. The time seemed so short but there are things I don't remember. I remember the nurse helping me put my shoes on but I don't remember getting in the wheelchair. It was rather interesting.
While waiting for the prescriptions we went to a Goodwill across the street and I got wheeled around the store. It was interesting that I didn't even feel weird about it.
By the time I got home after an hours drive I felt like myself. I just took it slow to get up the stairs and getting some food in my stomach before spending the rest of the day propped up on the sofa.
When I finally was able to check in with how I was actually feeling, I discovered that it felt like my body was finally relaxing, like the toxins I had been fighting for years had finally stopped leaking out of my tooth and the source was finally gone. I felt like a normal being again and the constant exhaustion and general feeling of unwellness was actually gone. It felt so good!
In the days that followed I did some experimenting. I've been doing reiki to help my body heal. I didn't need the narcotic they gave me. They gave me high dose ibuprofen but I only took that for a total of about 5 days. The third day I was already not taking it as prescribed because there was so little pain. I was given a mouthwash but had to wait 72 hours before using it. I used it for 2 days then I remembered how the antibiotics affected my health and I don't use mouthwash at all. I wanted to get back to taking my oil of oregano but was a bit scared. I thought about it a bit then realized that the oil of oregano was probably healthier and more supportive for my body anyway so I ditched the mouthwash and went back to the oil of oregano because, after all, that had been much more helpful than the antibiotics and kept the pain from flaring up for several months before I could get the tooth removed.
Another thing I tried was a tensor ring. I am interested in electroculture and in a Facebook group one person used it on their sprained or broken ankle and literally had no pain which gave me the idea to try it. Supposedly you are supposed to have a grounding wire when using one but I don't think I have enough wire for that so from the first day after I got home from surgery. I would tape it on my cheek so that it was mostly centered over the wound and would leave it there for a few hours. The worst pain was the day after from my sore muscles that are not used to being used to hold my body in an elevated position. I had barely any pain till a week after the surgery. It was hurting a bit and I was worried that it was getting infected or something. I also wondered if my body was just remembering the procedure since I had been under anesthesia at the time when it happened. Either way, I taped the tensor ring to my cheek and in less than 10 minutes the pain was literally gone! I then took a nap with it in place for good measure.
Now that this tooth was out of my mouth I wanted a way to close that chapter of my life. On Friday, the 27th, chosen because 2+7=9 and 9 is seen as
I decided that it was time to bury the tooth. I had requested my tooth but I was told that it could literally be considered medical waste depending how bad it is. So next best was using clay and making myself a tooth. The dollar store clay I had in my stash is moldy and was perfect for the situation. I found myself procrastinating due to the emotions surrounding it but then it started thundering and I decided what better way to close a chapter of my life than with a cleansing thunderstorm. So I quickly formed the tooth and since I wanted it to be as natural and decomposable as possible I decided to use paper for the coffin. On the paper I wrote the things and happenings I wanted to bury in closing that chapter of my life which you can see in the photo below.
I feel connected to the two trees in my backyard. The one is a bigger tulip tree that is motherly and the other is a younger, more energetic, sisterly tree. I talk to them sometimes. On a side note, several weeks ago, a baby grackle fell out of its nest and died and I didn't want to leave it on top of the garbage can where it had landed. The right and respectful thing to do seemed to be to bury it and the first place that came to mind was among the roots of the sisterly maple tree so I had a little funeral for it.
With the thunderstorm moving quickly I realized it probably wasn't the safest thing to do but I ran out to the maple tree with my big spoon, dug a quick hole, took a few photos and buried it before running back inside. It felt freeing in the moment and like a release, but there's still some emotions to work through surrounding some of the things I've endured in that chapter.
Now I find myself being so worried and impatient. I hope the people who promised me their car when they upgrade in a month or two will follow through. Some days I really struggle with worrying about what my second plan would be if they don't. I live too far in the country to really be able to do much by way of getting a job without a vehicle. I've been back to playing games on my phone ( which earns me maybe a few cents per hour) which I'm realizing is disembodying and I don't like it at all. Id rather be out in nature where I feel connected than trying to desperately make at least a little bit of money to cover some expenses if I can. I don't like relying on others to help, I guess because I've been failed too much...
All in all, I am feeling much better. The pain in my shoulders is basically non-existent which makes me so happy. I am so ready to get out and work. I don't feel the need to rest like I used to do I'm beginning to feel cooped up in my house. I think I'm finally getting my energy back now that my body no longer has to use all of it for fighting toxins.
My next thing I'm starting to work on is my eyes. I have bad eyesight and even though I like how I look with glasses I don't like the expenses. I forget what I was looking for when I came across a book on exercises to regain your vision. It had never crossed my mind before as possible but now that I no longer have to think about that tooth I can now think about the next thing to focus on. As I started reading about the eyes I learned that bad posture can affect my eyes. I've had really bad posture all my life and so I went on a search because I remembered how after some of my IFS therapy sessions I felt like I could walk straighter so I felt that there's more to it than just correcting one's posture. I've never been able to stick to exercises of any kind very long which sometimes makes me feel guilty when I see others exercising. Then I came across:
and found it very interesting how everything is connected in our body. I haven't started the exercises yet but I see the possibility here for more inner healing, not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and energetically, helping me become an even more whole and embodied human being. With the eye exercises one will need to get lesser strength glasses as the eyes heal so I was a bit worried but then I decided to trust that when that time comes I will trust that the money will also be available. No need to worry about something that could turn out much better than expected.
I'm really excited to see where this next chapter of my life will take me. I expect lots of good things are coming, I just can't quite see them.
Your body listens to your thoughts.
I've been thinking the last week about my eyes, posture, and nervous system and the last few nights I haven't slept good. I felt very much like I was running from something. I've been talking to the trees and mother earth and thinking it was only grief for my tooth and how it had destroyed my life or just the anxiety about the future. I thought perhaps it was energetically connected with changing out the quilt in my bed to match the fresh pillowcases but changing back to the original quilt didn't seem to make a difference. Last night I was awake for awhile and distracting myself with the game on my phone for about an hour. After awhile I ran out of energy for moves so I put it away and tried to go back to sleep. I just couldn't so I thought maybe my body has something to tell me. I tend to get scared when I try to go inside to explore when I'm alone because I only have the past to fall back on but I've been telling myself that this time can be different and it doesn't have to be like the past. So I reminded myself once again that this time can be different and with that I felt a little braver to explore. I had been thinking about slumping and how to help my posture and the underlying reasons so I was not surprised when I realized that I was feeling pain in my back where I slump. There was a feeling of general sadness in my mid region where the slumping also occurs. I put my hands on my solar plexus and intended to send this part of my body some compassion and curiosity for what it has to tell me. As I held space memories came up in my consciousness and I remembered how I had talked with my counselor about my slumping and being connected to more than just physical posture. Slumping is a form of saying I don't want to be seen, etc and when someone has been treated like trash it is dehumanizing and the body reacts. Most of my life I've felt like a slave and a piece of trash for others to kick around however they wanted and I didn't matter. Even as early as 6th grade the chiropractor wanted my parents to get a brace for me to correct my posture. That is also when I got glasses. I think for myself it has also been a way of making myself as small as possible to protect myself from harm.
With that in mind the first memory to surface was of my mom going through the trash of the rental they owned and finding a seemingly perfect pack of brownies and serving them to the rest of the family members. What she didn't know was that they had been laced with a drug of some kind that made them all wacky for a bit. (I was no longer at home thankfully.) The next memory was the truck that came once or twice weekly from a teen therapy place of some kind(name withheld) with all kinds of donated food stuff that was to feed the pigs we were raising for them. We were allowed to take the good stuff for our own food and give the rest to the pigs which they loved by the way. There were literal garbage bags full of pastries that mom would never have bought at the store and we would often dig through to get the good stuff.
We were almost like pigs ourselves in a way because when food is used as punishment you pig out when you have half a chance just in case you don't get any later...
These were the two main memories that came to the surface along with the feeling of deserving only other people's trash. As I pondered these things I realized that from sexual abuse as a young toddler in my early childhood years where my body already felt like trash to be used, these later memories also implicitly taught me that I only deserve other people's trash. With that thought, I also realized that that is why thrift stores are my favorite place to shop. I don't know the last time I bought myself a new piece of clothing. Since I've been doing energy healing work, reiki, and all the therapy I've had in the last 5 years I find myself feeling like:
I deserve new.
I deserve better.
I deserve beauty.
I am worthy of it.
It's been grating on me subconsciously that I don't have the ability currently to buy even the things I need for existing. There's the push and pull whether I can buy even a few basic necessities or wondering if I'm going to regret it later if I need the money for bills. I hope that will change soon because I am now ready to thrive and get on with life. But I'm still healing up my mouth. I do have some pain in my neck, assuming it's the lymphatic system, but hopefully some essential oils and water will help resolve that. Other than that I am working on my new dollhouse and trying to be creative in making appetizing food with what I have left...maybe soon I can give an update on the dollhouse as I'm making the most inviting and cozy rooftop garden. It will just take a bit to get the supplies I need but I'm doing what I can...
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I know it's long but it's also been a while since I wrote so there was a bit to write. Thanks for being here and hopefully you found something helpful or inspiring or new to take with you on your own journey...🤍
And please don't ever get a root canal. It is like gangrene in your toe, it's just slower to kill you. Studies show that it will cost you much more in the long run than just getting your tooth pulled...
Ps. Just remembered that I wanted to share an update about the energetic healing exercises I talked about doing in my last blog post...a few weeks after I did the exercises I realized that I no longer hate my body when it feels aroused. I feel only curiosity and the desire to explore and learn. I discovered I actually feel no hate for my body anymore and that I think actually like my body and don't care so much about what others might think about me. (I can't wait till I can go clothes shopping again. New clothes this time!)This is a very subtle but huge shift as an abuse survivor as I have always hated my body and felt like a piece of trash.
No more.
I deserve better.
I am no piece of trash.
So I will highly encourage any sexual abuse survivor to try the exercises. You will probably not notice much at first but it will continue to work in your being and one day you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that actually are comfortable in your own skin. Also, if you come from a very religious background as a woman where sexual things were shamed and you want to understand how your body works, you might want to try this book. She approaches the subject in a very matter-of-fact way that feels very down to earth and almost sacred... because our bodies are marvelous and sacred...and deserve to be treated as such. There's even bits of history mixed in for those who are interested in how women's femininity and sexuality has been suppressed through the centuries.
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